i remembered my name.

Suzanne, stop in for a free rose.

"Mom, did you see that? Did I read it right?" I asked as we drove down State Street past Waseca Floral.

I was almost sure the sign outside the little floral shop had my name on it and was instructing me to stop in for a free rose.

Mmmmmm....k...?

Ya don't see a sign like that everyday so we turned the van around and went back to find out if they were being serious. I was a Suzanne. Did that mean I would receive a rose...just because?

We walked into the quiet little shop and over to the man behind the counter.

"Sooooo...we saw a sign outside. Umm...and...my name is Suzanne. [awkward pause] Does...that mean I get a rose?" I asked quizzically. 

"It sure does."

His reply was so matter-of-fact-like, it was as if I shouldn't have been at all surprised by this.

My Mom and I looked at each other and then back at the man.

Still somewhat confused and taking in the randomness of the situation I asked, "Ya need to see my ID or somethin?"

He chuckled, "I'll take your word for it." 

He turned around and carefully pulled out a beautiful red rose from the floral cooler behind him. He treated it with such delicacy as he wrapped it up and handed it to me. 

"Enjoy your day," he told me as he handed me my rose.

I don't know why I had such a hard time taking this in. It just seemed so random. Unexpected. Undeserved.

Yet, I decided to empty myself of skepticism and be filled with gratitude instead.

Because really, what girl doesn't enjoy receiving a rose just because?

I smiled, said thank you and went on with my day, rose in hand.

On the ride home, there was an overwhelming sense of God showing me His crazy love through this seemingly random event.

"Do you like it? It's from me. I hope you enjoy it. I love you."

I remember thinking that it was a great day to be named Suzanne. Even more so, Suzanne Rose.

Fitting, huh?

God pursues. He shows His love in big and little ways. For me that day, it was through a simple red rose.

He has been revealing His pursuit of me in powerful ways once again. Last night, I was introduced to the song "More Than Ashes".

It's completely beautiful. 

"By grace through faith in Christ I'm saved. I am not the same when He looks at me."

In faith, we are made right with God. We are a new creation! 

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

Those lyrics have been playing inside me since last night. 

Then this morning, something hit me that moved me to tears. 

I remembered my name. 

Sounds funny, I know.  

But there is something powerful about our names. There is meaning and identity connected to them.

I wasn't just remembering what my name was as if I had forgotten that it's Suzanne. But I remembered something deeper. 

Suzanne means lily. My middle name is Rose.

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

I remembered my name.

I remembered who I am because of Christ.

I am Yours, Father. I love you.

cracked walls.

there is a mighty river flowing.

it's right outside.

can you hear it?

listen closely.

the thunderous force of the raging water is too much for the walls of this room to withstand.

look to the side. do you see the cracks in the dividers that separate us from the flowing river?

small fractures. barely noticeable.

look up. can you see the punctured ceiling?

the brokenness is easy to overlook.

but you can't deny it.

look closely!

the water from the mighty river is starting to seep through these tiny fractures.

dripping on faces.

flowing down the walls.

puddles are forming in the corners of the room.

just one trickle of that water on your skin changes you on the inside.
 
you just touched hope.
 
or did hope just touch you?

awakening. healing. forgiving. loving. truly transforming.

just one drop of that water makes us crave more.

an anticipation is growing inside this room.

these walls will break. for the foundation is getting shaky and the weight and power of this river is far too mighty.

so we wait.

we wait for the flood.

autumn.

autumn reminds me of...

hartley park, chester bowl and lake superior waves crashing along the shoreline. 

simon and tigerdog adventures with my forever neighbor, tracy.

my favorite pair of ripped jeans and cozy hoodie. (can't see the hoodie. but i'm wearing it, no doubt.)

brokenness.

the beauty of brokenness and changing seasons. 

transition.

family.

the smell of the farm during harvest.

combines.

the little machine thingy that measured the moisture of corn that sat on the kitchen counter in the old farm house. (that is closest i am coming to a technical term for that "machine thingy".) 

the sound of the dryer by the corn bins.

how hard my parents work.

how much i love and appreciate my mom and dad. 

the marching jays.

clarinet section bonding. go clarineties!

irondale, sioux falls and ankeny. 

hayrides and bonfires.

one of the best hayride/bonfire nights ever held at barbknecht farms. :)

treasured birthday celebrations.

high school football games.

sacred heart fall festival.

fall retreat (for the past 9 years, baby!)

year # 4 of  9

dunn bros and amazing grace cafe.

apple spice scented candles. 

simply put.

i was on the verge of tears.

at first, i couldn't really explain why.

it was just one of those days. thankfully, the previous days were low key. i hadn't been feeling well, so i took it easy. i didn't end up going to duluth like originally planned. it was a wise decision.

when you're not feeling well physically, it can impact you in other ways. emotionally. spiritually. i think i was experiencing that. also, after a couple of weeks go by on campus and you start to settle in a bit...it hits. 

there is hard work to come. 

simply put, i was overwhelmed.

as i drove to campus, the tears were near. i parked my car and waited for a phone call from my supervisor. as i waited, i pulled out my bible and continued reading in the old testament. 2 chronicles 14-15 were up next.

asa was king of judah. his father, and other kings preceding him, did not honor the Lord, their God. but asa came along and was different. 

"asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God." 14:1

asa sought the Lord and commanded his people to do the same. he destroyed idols of false worship. he pointed the people back to God.

in the midst of this, God used the goodness of community to speak truth to asa. 

"the Spirit of God came on azariah son of oded. he went out to meet asa and said to him, 'listen to me, asa and all judah and benjamin. the Lord is with you when you are with him. if you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you. for a long time israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach and without the law. but in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of israel, and sought him, and he was found by them.'" 15:1-4

it goes on to say a couple verses later, "but as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." 15:7

press on! there is a purpose in our work when it's God directed. be strong. do not give up. take up your positions and stand firm!

i sat in my car and reread all of chapter 15 a few times, letting it soak in. 

it was one of those moments when God's Word jumps off the page and hits you straight in the heart.

the day continued with a very encouraging conversation with my supervisor, praying for campus with others and watching God pursue lives of students this evening from pine and oak. 

this work is WORTH IT because God is the great worker behind it all! he invites us into a very purposeful partnership.

friends, press on! 

simply put, God is at work! 

eat. pray. love. hmm...

i saw eat. pray. love. today. going in, i knew the title and i knew it was based on a book, which is a memoir. that's about it. 

(random fact: i actually like watching movies without knowing much about the story. i like to let it all unfold while watching.)

from an entertainment perspective this movie was alright. it's kinda long. you could wait until it's out on redbox and be just fine. that's my opinion.

i will say, though, i was surprised how much thought and emotion this movie evoked. it was far beyond an entertaining experience. 

to start off, i know that it's not intended to have a christian perspective. i am not trying to make it into something it was never intended to be. but given the reality that i am a Christ follower who is being shaped by His grace and Truth, my thoughts in response to this movie stem from my identity in Him.

because of that, eat. pray. love actually broke my heart. 

i think it speaks a message that we can somehow gain control of our lives by our own strength...that we can renew our mind by our own strength...that we have the power to forgive by our own strength...that we can worship whatever and it's fine...that we can run away from commitment...

i flat out disagree.

i try to gain control of my own life. in fact, i think in one way or another, we all do. but it leaves me empty and spinning out of control. God is in ultimately in control. not me. not you. 

i can't renew my own mind. Christ renews my mind. 

i can't forgive someone (or myself) without the reality of Christ first forgiving me/us.

we all worship something. who or what do we bow down to? who or what do we look to for direction and purpose? who or what are we devoted to? is it the God who created us? or is it a worthless idol? 

there were points in the movie i was moved to tears as i prayed and thanked Jesus for His grace. for His life. for His power over death and sin. for the joy of worshiping Him alone.

my heart longs for that to be true for other's as well. the truth is, for many people, it's not. life is about ourselves, not the amazing God who is the giver of life.

that is what breaks my heart.  

plan to be surprised

"i miss this.

God, this is when i feel so me. this is what i crave in duluth. part of me doesn't want to leave. yet i know i need to. being here is stretching me.

...

we were joking around about living arrangements and they said i should just move back...switch places with brian and sandi. i can't even think that way...even jokingly. i'd love to be here again.

Lord, i have to trust in whatever you're doing here."

this was part of a journal entry from august 14, 2009.  

i was in bemidji for a few days and spent one of them at diamond point for a chill day with God. i was reflecting on the time spent here around town and with friends. the words above were written that day.

being here stirred up so much in me those few days. i look back now and see that God was beginning to prepare the grounds for transitions to come. i just had NO idea they were coming!

a month and a half later, the possibility to move back to bemidji became a reality. a month after that i said yes. january hits, and i was here. fast forward to this summer and the scenario my friends and i semi-joked about was completely true. i had moved to bemidji. brian and sandi had moved to duluth.

last august when we were kinda joking about that scenario, i did NOT think it would really happen. but it did and in less than year later! 

i watched dan in real life last night with tracy, brittany and solveig. one of my favorite lines is "plan to be surprised." 


yep. there ya go. :)

hudson taylor had a point.

i can't seem to get off of the computer until i post this.

the description under "who am i" on this blog caught my eye tonight.

an ordinary girl learning through the different seasons of life to love the Lord her God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

learning is right! it's certainly a process...a lifelong one at that. 

the beginning of this learning process began 12 years ago when those words about loving God from matthew 22:34-40 (originally from deuteronomy 6:5) cut to my heart.  

what is shared below has been tucked away in a folder on my computer since my senior year of college. it's a story that was used as part of a campus outreach that spring.

it's the readers digest version of how God pursued me and drew me into relationship with him.

...

If you would have known me when I was growing up, you would have seen a “good kid.” I did my best to excel and do well. I was shy and quiet and didn't really do much to get myself into trouble. I did well in school. I did well in music and sports. I seemed to be pleasing my parents and my teachers. I seemed to be pleasing myself. I felt like I had a pretty good reputation. I figured I had plenty going for me. Things were “good”…or so I thought.


But I was missing something. I was living to please everyone else. It left me empty. There came a point in high school when I realized that there was something greater that would give true purpose for my life. This something greater is Jesus Christ.


A close friend of mine invited me to check out God together by being a part of a Bible study the summer of 1998. To be honest, I have no idea why I said “yes.” A year earlier, I’m pretty sure I would have given an enthusiastic “no!” in response to an invitation like that.


Regardless, I went to the Bible study. The summer of 1998 was a summer of spiritual growth. I was shown that there was nothing I could do, regardless how “good” I was, to win God’s love. God already loved me. That is the exact reason God sent Jesus to this world to die on the cross 2,000 years ago in order to rise again for me, for you, for every single person.


One night I was reading Matthew chapter 22 in the Bible. Jesus was asked one day what was the greatest commandment. Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” I remember reading the passage over and over, hoping that the word “all” would go away. It didn’t. In fact, it seemed only to be magnified.


It was then I realized that in the midst of the good things I had done in my life, that I couldn’t be perfect and live up to what God wanted for me. There were countless things that I had done that did not show God that I loved him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind.


It came to the point where I knew I needed to make a choice. Would I receive the gift? That summer, I made the choice to receive the gift that Jesus offers.


I have chosen to believe that there is one God who created people to be close to Him. I believe that the choices we make separate us from God. Because of this, He sent Jesus Christ to this earth as a perfect being. I believe that Jesus died on a cross to die for all of our sin and rose again to make it possible for us to be close to God, just as God intends and desires. Every single person is faced with the decision to accept this. It is only through Jesus that we can be saved from an eternity separated from the God who made us. The Word of God, which is from God and is truth, points me to the Lord, Jesus Christ.


I have chosen to follow and believe.

Do you agree?  

...

i still agree, but would add that Jesus isn't something we add into our lives to feel good about what eternity will look like for us. we are called to deny ourselves and in exchange, live a new life in Christ. we become a part of sharing the Gospel (Good News) with others. sharing Christ IS a part of this new life.

are you following Jesus? if not, what is stopping you?

if you are...are you sharing the Good News? (this next question challenges me every time...) if not, are you truly following him?

"the great commission isn't an option to be considered; it is a command to be obeyed." hudson taylor 

interrupt my life.

it had this acoustic, rhythmic intro that was fresh and catchy. it was the kind of beat that caused me to use the desk in front of me as some sort of hand drum. i was drawn in.

"wash me clean" by shawn mcdonald. check it out.

the first time around i was diggin' the music so much i didn't listen closely to the words. the second time around was different and it soon become a prayer. the whole song is great, but verse two really got me.

"consume my wandering thoughts and renew my mind.
remake and recreate...
and interrupt my life."

i have been learning a lot about myself lately. near the top of the list is a realization that i think far too much and listen not near enough.

thinking is obviously not always a bad thing. God gave us minds. let's use them for His glory. but he also gave us ears. so let's use them and listen. yes, to one another. but even more so...let's listen to Him. i have a tendancy to think and think and overthink and think about overthinking...topped off with more thinking.

sound exhausting?

it is.

with all this thinking going on, it's kind of distracting to hear very clearly.

"consume my wandering thoughts..."

i got stuck on that prayer for awhile.

then the kicker came...

"and interrupt my life."

this line really got my thinking. (ha! i very much realize the irony of that statement in light of what i just wrote. but come along with me for just a minute.)

am i/are we bold enough to sincerely pray a prayer like this, "God, interrupt my life"?

what might happen if we do?

what if we are called to surrender something we may have found just a little bit too much comfort in and know deep down it's really not the very best for us?

what if we are challenged to spend our time, our money, our resources...differently?

i feel the sting of these questions. but i know deep down it's a good sting. there is some heart checking going on. as that process continues and i have begun to listen, i have heard some different "what ifs".

let's ask this again: what might happen if we do pray, "God interrupt my life"?

what if in the surrender we find healing from brokenness, addictions and pain?

what if we find deep joy in spending our time, money and resources differently?

what if your neighbor...your best friend...the person next to you in class...the stranger walking down the street...the little girl you see at the park each week...the guy in the check out line...your teammate...your dad...your mom...your brother or sister...your niece or nephew...finds joy and is transformed by Christ's Hope because we prayed this prayer and partnered with Him?

what if...?

listen in moderation.

i enjoy discovering new music.  

i sometimes have a problem with wearing out a newly discovered song, though. ya know what i'm talking about? the convenience of itunes and even more so, youtube, can damper the enjoyment of music. we listen to whatever we want at the click of a mouse (youtube) or the click of a mouse plus 99 cents (itunes). which is fine and dandy in most cases. but i have a tendency to discover a song that i enjoy very much and listen to it over and over and over...and over and over...

if i do it enough, i get sick of it for awhile. it's a bummer, really. i guess i need to learn to listen in moderation.

here are some songs i have especially enjoyed the last couple of months. check 'em out. maybe you'll find something new ya like. just don't listen to them too many times in a row. ;)

1. jesus culture stuff

2. the words i would say by sidewalk prophets

3. our god by chris tomlin

4. all roads lead home by golden state (from henry poole is here soundtrack)

5. (iq) this time around by hellen stellar (from henry poole...)

6. henry poole is here by ron irizarry (from henry poole...duh)

7. you won't relent by jesus culture or misty edwards

8. take my hand by the kry 

9. love by sugarland (live version)

10. ooh ahh by grits

11. love came down by brian johnson

12. chicago by sufjan stevens

13. michael buble in general - i like anything by him!

14. breakdown more by eric hutchinson (especially a live, acoustic version if ya can find it)

15. brand new day by joshua radin

16. 24 by switchfoot

17. fly by jason upton

18. 40 by u2

19. to be surprised by sondre lerche

20. vitamin string quartet (they do covers of SO many artists...but it's all stringed instruments...very cool. i really like their tributes to u2.)

how about you? any fun songs that you have been enjoying lately?

tis so sweet

turns out that starting a blog was much like getting a new toy. you know how that goes, right? you get a new gadget or game and you play with it a lot right off the bat. then, over time, you find it on the shelf collecting dust or stuck away in the closet because it lost it's "newness". it reminds me that things are just things and they don't ever fully satisfy us. if they did, we wouldn't always be longing for the next best thing to fill it's place. 

i can spend so much of my time trying to quench these thirsts for satisfaction. i've sought it out in relationships, doing the "good" and "right" thing, media, music, having "nice" things...the list goes on. but they always leave me wanting more.


what do you do to satisfy your longings?

i'm thankful there is something that is steadfast and does truly satisfy: knowing and following Jesus. deciding to follow Jesus back in high school has reoriented my life. i couldn't be more thankful.

yet i am struck at the ways i can still slip into an old mindset that other things are going to satisfy me. i've been thirsty lately. adjusting to life in bemidji. ending the schoolyear. learning boundaries. getting ready for pursuit. deepening friendships and transitions in relationships. transitions in family and close friend's lives. it intensifies a spiritual thirst inside. i have been humbled to see that Jesus has been right in front of me, extending his hand. and lately, i've been looking past it, trying to quench my thirst without Him. trying to make sense of transition and life without fully trusting in Him. last night i started back into Proverbs. God's Word is like that glass of ice water after running around on a hot summer's day. it quenches our soul. chapter 3:5-6 say, "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

today two different versions of "tis so sweet" played on pandora today. both caused me to stop what i was doing and just listen and be. my mind was brought back to proverbs...trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...such peace can be known living life like this. thank you, Father!

toilet handle vs light switch

i had a moment this morning that made me laugh, shake my head and say "i need to get more sleep".

my innate night owl-ness has been shining through in all it's glory lately. (by saying that i mean i am staying up later than i should and not getting enough rest.)

this morning i arose to get ready for the day. i was clearly not totally with it right away and wonder if my eyes were even fully open as i walked to the bathroom.

my eyes opened eventually. but it took awhile for my brain to turn on. this is how i know that was the case.

i thought somehow that flipping the light switch would flush the toilet.

for anyone who is wondering it that works, it doesn't.

words of life

these pages are full of words.
words of life.
of truth.
of joy!

tear stained, ripped pages.
tattered and worn.
but that is simply the paper on which the words rest.

the Word itself stands firm.
it is my light. my security.
make my soul long for these words, oh Lord.
may my eyes gaze upon their beauty.
taking it in.
consuming it.
allowing it to saturate my whole being.

i am changed.
i am made new.
i find freedom...
from Your words of life.

smiling - part two.

a lot of people ask me how the transition has been going since i moved to bemidji. i typically respond by saying, "the last couple of months have been intense with a lot happening. moving, Christmas, urbana, starting on campus, building new community...but through it all everything has gone quite smoothly." it really has!

i am thankful.

there have been moments of feeling overwhelmed and scatterbrained, no doubt. but there has been a lot that has caused me to be thankful and smile in my first three weeks here.

-working on a team! this has been a tremendous blessing.

-the day things were all in place at my apartment. i lit some candles, sat in my favorite chair and quietly enjoyed this new space God has provided me.

-having great helpers with the move even in the midst of -30 degree weather. fishers, brittany, annie, aj, adrienne...i was very blessed by them! (side note: moving on one of the coldest days of the year makes you move faster. i guess that's a perk??)

-getting to know students here. seeing God work in their lives makes me smile. a lot.

-meeting and getting to know my neighbor, solveig. we're mutually thankful that we are "normal" ;)

-part of yesterday i had kind of a crummy attitude and was frustrated. part of the frustration was stemming from somethings that i thought were prepared but actually weren't. so brittany and i needed to read matthew 14:22-33 to get something ready for thursday night. ironically, it's something i totally needed to read. Jesus is walking on the water and calls peter out onto the water as well. peter steps out and starts towards Jesus. he's doing alright until he notices the wind and is distracted from Jesus. he becomes afraid and he starts to sink. i look back now and it makes me smile that God used that passage to show me i was a lot like peter yesterday. distracted from Jesus, focusing too much on the wind and sinking. but there was Jesus immediately reaching out his hand to catch me (vs 31). oh how little my faith can be. God is good and in control. i smile not because i can have weak faith in those moments. but i smile because God pursues me in that, pulls me up and speaks truth. that's worth smiling about.

-hanging out with fawn and sarah. who would have thought we'd live in the same city again. i like that.

-house/dog sitting and having some time off out in the peaceful country, taking luka for walks each day in freshly fallen snow and playing piano late into the night.

-a call from my dear friend stacy last night. such an encouragement! i hung up the phone smiling.

-getting ready for the relationships track at break away...the first time i did this three years ago i remember i was really struggling thinking about relationships. and so desired to be in one. at first i was actually crabby about the fact i was helping lead that track that year. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. lol God has done a lot of work in my life since that point. this time around, i'm finding a joy in preparing for and leading this track. i'm looking forward to the weekend!

-oh! i almost forgot this. but i get a call from tracy this weekend. her and amanda were hanging out. (more smiling.) i thought they said they were ice fishing by bayfront. they were actually ice skating by bayfront. so later in the conversation when i asked if they caught any fish...it led to a pretty good laugh. "what did you think we were doing?!"


-i know there is much more that has made me smile in these recent weeks...just knowing there are more than what's coming to mind right now...another reason to smile, i suppose.


:)

moving into a new neighborhood

welcome 2010!
as i type i sit a the cabin coffeehouse in bemidji just having enjoyed a turkey sandwhich and cup of chicken toritilla soup (one of my faves here!). AND it's only a minute walk tops from my apartment and conviently has some computers for customer use. perfect. :)
it's very frigid here today. i'm not exatly sure but i wouldn't be surprised if it dipped down to -30 or more last night. bertha (my car) didn't like this very much and has refused to start today. thankfully, britteny is coming to give me a hand. and then the move begins! i thought it could be cold when i moved but i didn't expect it to be quite this cold! or at least i hoped it wouldn't. but i'm determined to get my stuff into the apartment today. :) i'm thankful for friends in duluth that got me to this point and friends here who are giving me hand! you guys are awesome.
the last few weeks have been full. moving things into storge, leaving duluth:(, coming to bemidji:), Christmas, time in waseca, urbana, and moving things again. each of these "events" could have their own blog entry devoted to them.
i'm excited to move into this neighborhood (one theme from urbana) here and see how God is already dwelling and working here. this new year is truly the beginning of many new things!
in the midst of everything right now i have moments of feeling pretty overwhelmed, truthfully. i really don't want to miss out on processing through ubana...such an amazing week but A LOT to pray about. and sit with God in. there is a lot i want to unpack (litterally and figuratively) right now. i look forward to finding my place in this new neighborhood and making time to just be.
friends, be blessed as this new year begins!