emmanuel.

and i call to you

from my darkest places

and i call to you

from my broken places

and i call out to you

with my simple prayers

and i call out to you

with my heart filled prayers

emmanuel

emmanuel

God we thirst

emmanuel

God we thirst

reveal to us

emmanuel

oh hear God we thirst

emmaneul

reveal yourself to us

emmanuel

oh hear God we thirst

you never leave us

you never leave us

you never leave us nor forsake us

and i'm aware of your omnipresence

my theology isn't always my existence

i wanna be with you where you are

emmanuel

the place where you are

give me eyes to see

emmanuel

you're God with us
you never leave us
you're right here right now
in the place where i am
you never leave
in the space next to me
that's where you are
i can't hide from your presence Lord
where can i hide from your presence Lord?
you're where i am
oh you never leave
you never leave

emmanuel by Paul Anleitner

http://firstaidforyoursoul.com/listen/

craving.

i can't help to think back over the day. today was pretty sweet - i spent like five hours with two incredible women of God. i could have spent another five easily. i felt like a sponge soaking up Truth as we talked and prayed. it was refreshing to my soul, truly. sometimes we get even just a little taste of such goodness from God that leaves us craving more. more of Him. His voice. Truth. healing. freedom. joy. this time definitely left me craving.

in the midst of easily feeling overwhelmed by a lot right now i am thankful for a God who speaks to us.

i heard such a cool song on the radio while driving in my car tonight. i remember the word emmanuel was in it - but it wasn't the well known oh come oh come emmanuel. it was a song i had never heard before. but there was something about that song that fit so well with what God was doing today. i hope i hear it again soon and figure out the name and artist who sings it!

tonight, i had a fantabulous time with some css students planning an outreach for next semester and going to bentleyville.

i am going to miss them. true story.

eighteen years and counting.

i remember a popular email forward from a few years ago called "a reason, a season, or a lifetime." basically, it talked about the different people that are in our lives (and that we are in for others) and their different purposes. all are special friendship and relationships, but have different purposes and time frames. i'm beyond thankful for different people in my life along the way who have made influential impacts in my life. i could share many stories of people who have been in my life for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. i can get overwhelmed (in a good way) with the amazing people i have gotten to know so far in life. tonight, i'm specifically reminded and thankful for one of my lifetime friendships.

we've known each other from the time she had an afro haircut & wore stirrup pants and i had neon shoelace & wore my bibs only half buttoned. our paths crossed in third grade in mrs. seehafer's class. that was 18 years ago.
since then we've had many adventures...too many to count, really. and i love it! as any good friendships do, we've had some ups and downs. but through it all have remained great friends. i thank God for our friendship and the many stories from along the way. oh how we could write a book of our stories! most include tummy hurting laughter - something that i treasure most about our friendship. today we had some quality amy and suzanne time. it was refreshing in the midst of the craziness of life. mcdonalds holiday pies, goofing around in the stores while she shopped, watching the holiday & elf and enjoying some white zinfandel made it a pretty grand day if ya ask me.

God has given some truly amazing friends along the way...amy, you're most certainly one of them. :)

give presence.

speaking of Christmas presents from last time...

i was introduced to something called the advent conspiracy at church a couple of weeks ago. i have definitely been challenged by it as God works to transform my attitude and perspective.

if you haven't heard of it or checked out the videos/website - take a look and enter the story.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

the promo vid and the one called "enter the story" are good vids to catch the vision for what it's all about.


worship fully.
spend less.
give more.
love all.


what do ya think?

waiting.

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas.

wait, time out. allow me to share that statement with the full truth.

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas...presents.

i loved the presents a lot. but i did not like waiting a lot...or even a little.

until after one particular Christmas.

we always put up the tree shortly after Thanksgiving. shortly after that my mom would start to place wrapped gifts under the tree. now, that means there is a span of about 3 weeks having the nicely wrapped gifts out in plane sight before Christmas Eve (which was when the gifts were to be opened).

well for a 9 year old impatient little girl, that was a long time. i grew up on a farm and there were many afternoons that my parents would both be outside working and doing chores. thus meaning that the pretty tree, many gifts and 9 year old girl were unattended for a short time.

one of these days i decided to take action. i couldn't wait - or so i told myself. i scoped out the situation, making sure my actions would not be seen or caught and i approached the tree bearing the many gifts. i looked at each present to find out which tags had the letters that spelled "to: suzanne" on them. i then, very carefully, picked one up from it's place. and then, very meticulously, pulled up the tape and unwrapped the gift just enough to be able to see what was inside. after getting excited about what was inside i would make sure the tape was securely adhered back to the wrapping paper and then place the gift back under the tree - as close to the original position as possible.

stealthy, right?

i repeated this process for each gift that was to be mine. 
i was pretty proud of my own little covert operation. 
i shake my head now and laugh. but seriously, what i little stinker (as my grandpa would say) i was.

the days and weeks passed and Christmas Eve grew closer. usually those days were filled with anticipation and excitement. but that year the days were like any other. i was still excited for Christmas Eve...sort of. but it was different. i already knew what i was going to be in each of those wrapped presents and thinking of opening them together as a family became kind of mundane, sadly. 
Christmas Eve came and the time to pass out the gifts came. and i opened mine and tried to act surprised each time. while everyone else was enjoying this time, i truthfully was not. as i sat there that night i no longer was all that proud of my stealthy actions from a few weeks prior. 
i felt like i ruined the fun of Christmas Eve. i never did that again. instead, i waited.

i look back now and realize that i ruined the joy of waiting. i don't usually associate joy with waiting, but i think there is something so good about waiting. even when it's hard and things don't make sense. 
often i think, "i wish i knew where i'd be in 5 years. where will i be living? what will i be doing? will i be marred? will i have a family?" often i wish i could just take a peak into the future and see. but then i remember that Christmas Eve night when knowing what was wrapped up before it was time to upwrap the gifts was really quite disappointing.

deep down, i guess i don't want to know. although i don't always think this way, i know that i do desire to wait and see what God has in store for the future...the joy filled days and tear filled days...even where exactly i'll be living in bemidji and when exactly i'll be moving...in the transitions coming...in life beyond this next season...and even the dessert experiences yet to come.

there have been some definitely surprised along the way so far and i'm sure there are surprises to come...and i want them to remain just that - surprises.

in the words of the character dan from dan in real life - "plan to be surprised."

meow.

elfyourself is back! i noticed this last week when i went to the office max website to see if i could email them something to print for me. it was one of those days that there was much to do in a time frame not nearly long enough to accomplish it all. so it would not have been wise for me to click on the link for elfyourself. i gathered together all the self control i could find that morning to not go there.


crisis averted.


i did not elf myself or elf anyone else that day. i actually still have yet to do that but i'm sure i will soon. if you have never been elfed before, this is your year - i can feel it. check out www.elfyourself.com and treat yourself to a good laugh.


anyway - i had a really great week at regional staff conference. it was refreshing. and i needed that. these past couple of months have been full...full of a lot of things. lots of thoughts, questions, decisions, campus work, investment, processing transition, frustrations, tears, growth, joys and more...


near the end of september i started asking some bigger questions about where i'm at right now. i had a strong sense that God was stirring things up inside, but didn't really understand what that all meant. but i did know a few things - that i've struggled working in the twin ports without a staff team to partner with. i've struggled to be a "planter" and "builder" on campus. and even beyond the campus realm i've struggled to find my place fully here in duluth. i really started to wonder if this all was the best fit for me and through that have struggled to know my place in ministry as i've been discovering more of my giftings, passions, strengths and growth areas. 


i have to say that this time of seeking has been one of drawing nearer to the Lord and for that i'm so thankful. i can and do go through dry spells in my faith life. foolish choices, lack of discipline and my own sinful heart has caused it's fair share distance in my relationship with God. but these past months have been amazing. not easy, i should say. but absolutely amazing. the goodness and grace of Jesus overwhelms me as i've been growing in delighting in the Lord. (psalm 37)


after seeking much counsel and direction from God, my supervisor and many other mentors & friends in my life, i sensed that transition was near. again, i didn't know exactly what that meant right away. and truthfully, i still don't what it all means. but at least some next steps have been uncovered and i have decided to make a transition. i will be continuing to serve through the ministry of intervarsity and investing in college students but i will be changing location. beginning next semester i will be working on staff at my alma mater, bemidji state university. i am incredibly excited to work closely with a staff team there. and having spent four years there as a student, i truly have a heart for that campus and city. i'm am anticipating the ways God will work through this as i wait for that new season to begin.


while i really am excited about this change, this decision was not easy in many ways. i wrestled a lot. there is much here in duluth that i have come to enjoy and have a heart for - friendships kick off this list, the campuses and students here, rock hill family, amazing sunrises over lake superior, hiking in the many parks are just a few of them.


yet when bemidji was one of the possibilities to transfer to, something inside was drawn to this idea from the get go. and that only grew as the weeks passed until i made the official decision at the end of october. i knew that if i didn't go for this opportunity, i'd totally regret it.


so the recent weeks have been full of many conversations as i've shared this news with friends & family, students, partners and donors. each of these conversations have really affirmed this move. there is a bittersweet element to this all. i'm going to miss duluth and the people here very much. i also anticipate the building of new community and reconnecting with dear friends from my college years in bemidji. as i begin saying my goodbyes here, there are hellos awaiting.


time here in duluth has been so so so purposeful and i believe i was supposed to be here. God had definite purposes for the time here, i'm couldn't believe that more. He has been so faithful.


i've been praying for God to raise up leaders here on campus - for fresh starts in certain areas - for a deepening of the goodness already started in other areas - for God to seriously SWEEP ACROSS THE CAMPUSES AND CITY. oh Father, bring life into dead places here. soften hard hearts. we need You. hear these cries!!!!


*sigh


i know God is working here and that He will continue to be. i have a hope in what's to come here.


i've been waiting to write about this until after certain conversations were had with people and students from both the twin ports and bemidji knew. i was introduced last week at bemidji and welcomed with open arms. i can't wait to actually be there! soon...


well there it is. meow. the cat's out of the bag. :)

smiling.

some things that are making me smile this week.
10. playing pool with brittany and acting like we're really good even though we totally aren't
9. celebrating a wedding on friday
8. culvers
7. laughter and line dancing in the kitchen with jackie
6. knowing you're being prayed for and that God hears those prayers
5. a streak of warmer, sunny days each complete with amazing sunsets over the lake
4. stories of transformation
3. achy breaky heart
2. this morning's time in john 15 
1. Truth

i blow bubbles when you are not near

i've been on a bit of a country music kick lately. it started with sugarland late one friday night.


"all i wanna do oo oo oo oooo whoo oo oo oo oo ooooo whoo oo oo oo oo ooo whoo ooooooo."


then yesterday i was driving to bemidji and for a good span of the trip there are limited radio stations. however, the country stations seem to be the most solid of them all going through those small towns.


it got me thinking more and i'm pretty sure i'm a small town girl at heart.
i enjoy being able to see the stars at night. i appreciate the freedom of enjoying wide open spaces. i like going into town and running into people i know at the grocery store check out line. heck, i like gravel roads. i sound like a dork. but it's true.


as i was driving yesterday a song came on the made me laugh out loud. the song itself isn't funny but it reminded me of songs of which i (or my friends) have misunderstood the lyrics.


i thought for the longest time that the one in this song i heard yesterday was "there might be a little dust on the Bible". in actuality, the correct words are, "there might be a little dust on the bottle".


i remember the day i cracked up in my car when a friend corrected me and informed me that it wasn't a song about God's Word, it was a song about wine. whoops.


i always thought the next line was good, "but don't let it fool ya about what's inside" made sense with the Bible. lol if i had actually listened to ALL of the other lyrics talking about the cellar and cleo williams making wine perhaps i would have caught on. (i'm shaking my head right now.)


listening to the whole song is helpful. context, suzanne. context.


when i was 5, i thought "walkin' in memphis" was "walkin' in medford" which is a nearby small town to where i grew up and thought that was pretty cool that medford was mentioned in a hit song.


then i rememberd my friend in high school. he thought the lines of "i try" by macy gray were "i try to say goodbye and i choke/i try to walk away and i stumble/though i try to hide it, it's clear/my world crumbles when you are not near" was "i try to say goodbye and i choke/i try to walk away and i stumble/though i try to hide it, it's clear/i blow bubbles when you are not near"


i kinda like the bubble version.

the song behind it all.

i first heard this song around the time i graduated from college. i've gone through phases of listening to it a lot. near the end of this summer i "discovered" it for probably the 10th time. it's good.

"every season" by nichole nordeman 
every evening sky, an invitation
to trace the patterned stars
and early in july, a celebration
for freedom that is ours
and i notice You in children's games
in those who watch them from the shade
every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
and even when the trees have just surrendered 
to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in late september
and sending us inside
and still i notice You when change begins
and i am braced for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn
and everything in time and under heaven 
finally falls asleep
wrapped in blankets white
all creation shivers underneath
and still i notice You when branches crack 
and in my breath on frosted glass
even now in death You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
and everything that's new has bravely surfaced
teaching us to breathe
and what was frozen through
is newly purposed
turning all things green
and so it is with You and how you make me new
with every season's change
and so it will be as you are re-creating me
summer
autumn
winter
spring

the beginning.

the beginning.
  
well, other than being the beginning of a blog, i guess this isn't really the beginning. it's really somewhere in between a beginning and an end of a bigger story.
 
(random sidenote - as i'm typing and thinking and every once & awhile talking outloud, i'm having flashbacks to doogie howser. anyone else feel like that when the blog at a computer desk? i just need the theme song playing in the background...)

so...i like stories. and i'm hoping that this blog will be a place to share some stories and thoughts with whoever would like to hear them.

...


i've been thinking a lot about seasons lately. i sort of mean that in regards to the seasons we experience throughout a year: summer, autumn, winter and spring. being that i live in minnesota, i can say that i actually do get to experience each of those seasons. some we enjoy more than others. (i have my biases, too. have me choose between summer and winter and i'll definitely choose summer pretty much any day.) each have very unique characteristics about them. (colors, temperatures, and even smells.) sometimes they seem last for months (like winter!) or a week (like summers in duluth). 
i appreciate the creation of the outdoors and these different seasons. but more so (much much much more so), i appreciate and love the Creator behind it all. God is so good. always.


He is good in every season we experience throughout the year. and He is good in every season of life we experience and walk through. i've been thinking about these kinds of seasons most and God's working in them throughout my life.
  
some seasons have totally ended. others i thought had ended but perhaps i was wrong. some seasons are in transition as i type. others i am waiting and hoping to experience in the future. and there are probably many seasons i cannot foresee and have no clue what they entail. and that's okay. if i knew all that was coming (whether joys and laughs or pain and tears) i'd probably freak out. plus, then the surprise would be ruined. which reminds me of a particular Christmas on which i learned a good lesson about patience and waiting. that story will come later.
  
for now, time to hang out with God and then get some sleep. 
i'll end with part of a psalm i spent a lot of time in today. 
psalm 37:3-7

"Trust in the LORD and do good;
       dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

 Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:

 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him"