waiting.

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas.

wait, time out. allow me to share that statement with the full truth.

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas...presents.

i loved the presents a lot. but i did not like waiting a lot...or even a little.

until after one particular Christmas.

we always put up the tree shortly after Thanksgiving. shortly after that my mom would start to place wrapped gifts under the tree. now, that means there is a span of about 3 weeks having the nicely wrapped gifts out in plane sight before Christmas Eve (which was when the gifts were to be opened).

well for a 9 year old impatient little girl, that was a long time. i grew up on a farm and there were many afternoons that my parents would both be outside working and doing chores. thus meaning that the pretty tree, many gifts and 9 year old girl were unattended for a short time.

one of these days i decided to take action. i couldn't wait - or so i told myself. i scoped out the situation, making sure my actions would not be seen or caught and i approached the tree bearing the many gifts. i looked at each present to find out which tags had the letters that spelled "to: suzanne" on them. i then, very carefully, picked one up from it's place. and then, very meticulously, pulled up the tape and unwrapped the gift just enough to be able to see what was inside. after getting excited about what was inside i would make sure the tape was securely adhered back to the wrapping paper and then place the gift back under the tree - as close to the original position as possible.

stealthy, right?

i repeated this process for each gift that was to be mine. 
i was pretty proud of my own little covert operation. 
i shake my head now and laugh. but seriously, what i little stinker (as my grandpa would say) i was.

the days and weeks passed and Christmas Eve grew closer. usually those days were filled with anticipation and excitement. but that year the days were like any other. i was still excited for Christmas Eve...sort of. but it was different. i already knew what i was going to be in each of those wrapped presents and thinking of opening them together as a family became kind of mundane, sadly. 
Christmas Eve came and the time to pass out the gifts came. and i opened mine and tried to act surprised each time. while everyone else was enjoying this time, i truthfully was not. as i sat there that night i no longer was all that proud of my stealthy actions from a few weeks prior. 
i felt like i ruined the fun of Christmas Eve. i never did that again. instead, i waited.

i look back now and realize that i ruined the joy of waiting. i don't usually associate joy with waiting, but i think there is something so good about waiting. even when it's hard and things don't make sense. 
often i think, "i wish i knew where i'd be in 5 years. where will i be living? what will i be doing? will i be marred? will i have a family?" often i wish i could just take a peak into the future and see. but then i remember that Christmas Eve night when knowing what was wrapped up before it was time to upwrap the gifts was really quite disappointing.

deep down, i guess i don't want to know. although i don't always think this way, i know that i do desire to wait and see what God has in store for the future...the joy filled days and tear filled days...even where exactly i'll be living in bemidji and when exactly i'll be moving...in the transitions coming...in life beyond this next season...and even the dessert experiences yet to come.

there have been some definitely surprised along the way so far and i'm sure there are surprises to come...and i want them to remain just that - surprises.

in the words of the character dan from dan in real life - "plan to be surprised."