what do you want me to believe?

Where to start?! 


I have been working on a blog entry looking back on the year 2010. I am making slow progress on that. It just hasn't taken top priority in how I spend my time lately. I will say for now that there are a lot of things I find myself thankful for as I reflect on the last year.


Shortly after the new year, I flew down to St. Louis. This is not at all the point of sharing about this trip, but I can't resist to mention that while flying I rediscovered the wonder that is Sky Mall.


For a reasonable price I could have purchased a toilet training set for my cat, Dobber, as I was 30,000 feet in the air. Yes, Dobber could have learned to use an actual toilet. Or so it said.


I was a bit skeptical.


I also could have purchased the ever popular Garden Yeti. (For the garden I do not have.) I will tell you that I decided against both that day.


Oh, how Sky Mall is filled with such interesting items! It makes me think of all the stuff in this world that we believe will make life easier, more fun or more fulfilling. I just don't think owning a cat who can use the toilet or possessing a Garden Yeti is going to improve my quality of life. Sorry Sky Mall. You didn't get me this time. But thanks for the laughs.


I put Sky Mall back in it's little pouch in front of me and dozed off in my seat. Before I knew it, we were descending into St. Louis. I would spend the next five days with 1,200 other InterVarsity staff for National Staff Conference '11.
Coming in, I was feeling pretty drained.


Last semester ended with many things to be thankful for, both on and off campus.


God has been at work on campus. Yet, as staff, we were left with a holy dissatisfaction. We realized vision had been lost. We worked through a lot as a team and sought after God's heart more intently. This was good. Very good. But it was also a challenging and, at times, overwhelming thing.


While the holidays and time around Waseca was completely wonderful, it was pretty full. I came back to Bemidji and I wasn't rested. Then it was off to Staff Conference.


Nationals occur every three years. Last time around, the 5 five days were very impactful for me. I anticipated deep encounters with God.


That definitely happened.


God instilled vision again through His Word, stories from staff around the country, worship and time together as a staff team.


One of the moments that is still transforming my mind and heart is when Kristina Crosetto asked this question:


"What if the question isn't, 'God, what do you want me to do?' but 'God, what do you want me to believe?'"


Do I truly believe God can renew Bemidji State? Do I truly believe that God can provide a $50,000 budget? Do I truly believe the harvest is ready? Do I truly believe God's calling?


My conclusion from these questions: doubt has plagued my mind. I need Truth to saturate my everything!


Will you pray for this Truth to be known in all aspects of my life and ministry?


Oh, how I need Him!

i remembered my name.

Suzanne, stop in for a free rose.

"Mom, did you see that? Did I read it right?" I asked as we drove down State Street past Waseca Floral.

I was almost sure the sign outside the little floral shop had my name on it and was instructing me to stop in for a free rose.

Mmmmmm....k...?

Ya don't see a sign like that everyday so we turned the van around and went back to find out if they were being serious. I was a Suzanne. Did that mean I would receive a rose...just because?

We walked into the quiet little shop and over to the man behind the counter.

"Sooooo...we saw a sign outside. Umm...and...my name is Suzanne. [awkward pause] Does...that mean I get a rose?" I asked quizzically. 

"It sure does."

His reply was so matter-of-fact-like, it was as if I shouldn't have been at all surprised by this.

My Mom and I looked at each other and then back at the man.

Still somewhat confused and taking in the randomness of the situation I asked, "Ya need to see my ID or somethin?"

He chuckled, "I'll take your word for it." 

He turned around and carefully pulled out a beautiful red rose from the floral cooler behind him. He treated it with such delicacy as he wrapped it up and handed it to me. 

"Enjoy your day," he told me as he handed me my rose.

I don't know why I had such a hard time taking this in. It just seemed so random. Unexpected. Undeserved.

Yet, I decided to empty myself of skepticism and be filled with gratitude instead.

Because really, what girl doesn't enjoy receiving a rose just because?

I smiled, said thank you and went on with my day, rose in hand.

On the ride home, there was an overwhelming sense of God showing me His crazy love through this seemingly random event.

"Do you like it? It's from me. I hope you enjoy it. I love you."

I remember thinking that it was a great day to be named Suzanne. Even more so, Suzanne Rose.

Fitting, huh?

God pursues. He shows His love in big and little ways. For me that day, it was through a simple red rose.

He has been revealing His pursuit of me in powerful ways once again. Last night, I was introduced to the song "More Than Ashes".

It's completely beautiful. 

"By grace through faith in Christ I'm saved. I am not the same when He looks at me."

In faith, we are made right with God. We are a new creation! 

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

Those lyrics have been playing inside me since last night. 

Then this morning, something hit me that moved me to tears. 

I remembered my name. 

Sounds funny, I know.  

But there is something powerful about our names. There is meaning and identity connected to them.

I wasn't just remembering what my name was as if I had forgotten that it's Suzanne. But I remembered something deeper. 

Suzanne means lily. My middle name is Rose.

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

I remembered my name.

I remembered who I am because of Christ.

I am Yours, Father. I love you.

cracked walls.

there is a mighty river flowing.

it's right outside.

can you hear it?

listen closely.

the thunderous force of the raging water is too much for the walls of this room to withstand.

look to the side. do you see the cracks in the dividers that separate us from the flowing river?

small fractures. barely noticeable.

look up. can you see the punctured ceiling?

the brokenness is easy to overlook.

but you can't deny it.

look closely!

the water from the mighty river is starting to seep through these tiny fractures.

dripping on faces.

flowing down the walls.

puddles are forming in the corners of the room.

just one trickle of that water on your skin changes you on the inside.
 
you just touched hope.
 
or did hope just touch you?

awakening. healing. forgiving. loving. truly transforming.

just one drop of that water makes us crave more.

an anticipation is growing inside this room.

these walls will break. for the foundation is getting shaky and the weight and power of this river is far too mighty.

so we wait.

we wait for the flood.

autumn.

autumn reminds me of...

hartley park, chester bowl and lake superior waves crashing along the shoreline. 

simon and tigerdog adventures with my forever neighbor, tracy.

my favorite pair of ripped jeans and cozy hoodie. (can't see the hoodie. but i'm wearing it, no doubt.)

brokenness.

the beauty of brokenness and changing seasons. 

transition.

family.

the smell of the farm during harvest.

combines.

the little machine thingy that measured the moisture of corn that sat on the kitchen counter in the old farm house. (that is closest i am coming to a technical term for that "machine thingy".) 

the sound of the dryer by the corn bins.

how hard my parents work.

how much i love and appreciate my mom and dad. 

the marching jays.

clarinet section bonding. go clarineties!

irondale, sioux falls and ankeny. 

hayrides and bonfires.

one of the best hayride/bonfire nights ever held at barbknecht farms. :)

treasured birthday celebrations.

high school football games.

sacred heart fall festival.

fall retreat (for the past 9 years, baby!)

year # 4 of  9

dunn bros and amazing grace cafe.

apple spice scented candles. 

simply put.

i was on the verge of tears.

at first, i couldn't really explain why.

it was just one of those days. thankfully, the previous days were low key. i hadn't been feeling well, so i took it easy. i didn't end up going to duluth like originally planned. it was a wise decision.

when you're not feeling well physically, it can impact you in other ways. emotionally. spiritually. i think i was experiencing that. also, after a couple of weeks go by on campus and you start to settle in a bit...it hits. 

there is hard work to come. 

simply put, i was overwhelmed.

as i drove to campus, the tears were near. i parked my car and waited for a phone call from my supervisor. as i waited, i pulled out my bible and continued reading in the old testament. 2 chronicles 14-15 were up next.

asa was king of judah. his father, and other kings preceding him, did not honor the Lord, their God. but asa came along and was different. 

"asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God." 14:1

asa sought the Lord and commanded his people to do the same. he destroyed idols of false worship. he pointed the people back to God.

in the midst of this, God used the goodness of community to speak truth to asa. 

"the Spirit of God came on azariah son of oded. he went out to meet asa and said to him, 'listen to me, asa and all judah and benjamin. the Lord is with you when you are with him. if you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you. for a long time israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach and without the law. but in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of israel, and sought him, and he was found by them.'" 15:1-4

it goes on to say a couple verses later, "but as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." 15:7

press on! there is a purpose in our work when it's God directed. be strong. do not give up. take up your positions and stand firm!

i sat in my car and reread all of chapter 15 a few times, letting it soak in. 

it was one of those moments when God's Word jumps off the page and hits you straight in the heart.

the day continued with a very encouraging conversation with my supervisor, praying for campus with others and watching God pursue lives of students this evening from pine and oak. 

this work is WORTH IT because God is the great worker behind it all! he invites us into a very purposeful partnership.

friends, press on! 

simply put, God is at work! 

eat. pray. love. hmm...

i saw eat. pray. love. today. going in, i knew the title and i knew it was based on a book, which is a memoir. that's about it. 

(random fact: i actually like watching movies without knowing much about the story. i like to let it all unfold while watching.)

from an entertainment perspective this movie was alright. it's kinda long. you could wait until it's out on redbox and be just fine. that's my opinion.

i will say, though, i was surprised how much thought and emotion this movie evoked. it was far beyond an entertaining experience. 

to start off, i know that it's not intended to have a christian perspective. i am not trying to make it into something it was never intended to be. but given the reality that i am a Christ follower who is being shaped by His grace and Truth, my thoughts in response to this movie stem from my identity in Him.

because of that, eat. pray. love actually broke my heart. 

i think it speaks a message that we can somehow gain control of our lives by our own strength...that we can renew our mind by our own strength...that we have the power to forgive by our own strength...that we can worship whatever and it's fine...that we can run away from commitment...

i flat out disagree.

i try to gain control of my own life. in fact, i think in one way or another, we all do. but it leaves me empty and spinning out of control. God is in ultimately in control. not me. not you. 

i can't renew my own mind. Christ renews my mind. 

i can't forgive someone (or myself) without the reality of Christ first forgiving me/us.

we all worship something. who or what do we bow down to? who or what do we look to for direction and purpose? who or what are we devoted to? is it the God who created us? or is it a worthless idol? 

there were points in the movie i was moved to tears as i prayed and thanked Jesus for His grace. for His life. for His power over death and sin. for the joy of worshiping Him alone.

my heart longs for that to be true for other's as well. the truth is, for many people, it's not. life is about ourselves, not the amazing God who is the giver of life.

that is what breaks my heart.  

plan to be surprised

"i miss this.

God, this is when i feel so me. this is what i crave in duluth. part of me doesn't want to leave. yet i know i need to. being here is stretching me.

...

we were joking around about living arrangements and they said i should just move back...switch places with brian and sandi. i can't even think that way...even jokingly. i'd love to be here again.

Lord, i have to trust in whatever you're doing here."

this was part of a journal entry from august 14, 2009.  

i was in bemidji for a few days and spent one of them at diamond point for a chill day with God. i was reflecting on the time spent here around town and with friends. the words above were written that day.

being here stirred up so much in me those few days. i look back now and see that God was beginning to prepare the grounds for transitions to come. i just had NO idea they were coming!

a month and a half later, the possibility to move back to bemidji became a reality. a month after that i said yes. january hits, and i was here. fast forward to this summer and the scenario my friends and i semi-joked about was completely true. i had moved to bemidji. brian and sandi had moved to duluth.

last august when we were kinda joking about that scenario, i did NOT think it would really happen. but it did and in less than year later! 

i watched dan in real life last night with tracy, brittany and solveig. one of my favorite lines is "plan to be surprised." 


yep. there ya go. :)