every season

5 things.

2012-02-10T16:03:00.000-06:00

I'm a little slow on throwing out my thoughts on the "5 Things"...thing.

But alas, here they are...

If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, just keep reading....just keep reading...just keep reading, reading. What do we do? We read, read...

It'll come together.

Ready?
Set.
Go...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About two months ago, a shift occurred.

One afternoon at school we were talking about one of our favorite topics: the power of our thoughts and words.

That day, we wrote down anything in our lives we didn't have peace about or that was causing us stress.

Then, for each circumstance, we wrote down anything and everything we were thankful for about that situation.

Lastly, for each circumstance, we asked God, "What do you want me to know about this situation?"

I literally felt a shift in me and in the room as by the end of this exercise there was a peace blanketing the room.

This little "exercise" actually is outstandingly power.

And you know what else?

It stems straight from God's heart.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:6-8

One more - just for fun. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I've been thinking a lot about thankfulness since that day. I've also been putting it into practice.

That's what inspired this.

I wanted to see more first hand what happens when we really go after gratitude.

The challenge of this all was to focus not on the negative, but to be pull out the positive on a daily basis and think about such things, despite circumstances and despite where thoughts or emotions wanted try and carry me that day.

That was my initial 21 day adventure. (It's become a 21+ day adventure.)

Each day, I asked and answered a "5 things" question. Every question was about thankfulness in a particular area of life. A complete list can be found here.

On the surface, it might have looked like a little Facebook rally for positivity. I promised then, and I promise now that it's way beyond that.

Here are some things I'm learning on my 21+ day journey:

It truly is part of God's heart and will for us. I'd even call it strategic.
Taking the first point and going on more step - if this is part of God's heart and will for us, then believe it's part of our true identity. As a Christian, I should be thankful. Not out of a "have to be" but out of a natural overflow of who I am created to be.
But the enemy tries to get us to act out of character. The enemy tries to deceive and make us believe that God isn't who He says He is and that we aren't who God says we are. So we have a choice. Who will we believe?
Our outward realities do not need to dictate our inner realities. For far too long I/we have given our circumstances permission to control us. Nope. Time to stop that. Will there still be super hard days? ...Yes. Plan on it. BUT...we can choose how we respond. No more victim mentality. It's reeks destruction. Choose restoration instead.
Some days are much easier than others. However, the hard days are the true test days. It's when the rubber hits the road. It's in the most challenging days and circumstances that I have seen the greatest breakthrough by choosing thankfulness. *Waachaaaa*
It's changing me.
It's changing my surroundings.
It's contagious.
Choosing thankfulness is like linking arms with God and His movements and is a part of seeing heaven come on earth. This is HUUUUUUGE. We can no longer underestimate our thoughts and words and the power behind them. (sidenote - if choosing thankfulness links our arms with God...think of the implications of choosing negativity/bitterness/unforgiveness/etc...dare I say it's like linking arms with the demonic, evil realm? See...this is HUUUUUUUGE. The enemy doesn't want us to know this. But too late. Secret's out. Haha...)
Unforgiveness makes it pretty stinkin' hard to be thankful. Unforgiveness makes us prisoners, locked up in a jail cell. Jesus has already paid the price for our freedom and new identity in Him. If you've repented (turned in the opposite direction of where you were going) and have given you're life to Christ, you actually already hold the key to get of this jail cell. This key has a tag on it that reads, "Forgiveness." Many of us are trapped and don't realize it's not that hard to get out.
Choose forgiveness. Be specific. Pray, "Father God, I forgive (specific person) for (name outloud the specific things)." Keep calling it out, giving God access to uproot the unhealthiness, bitterness, hurt, etc. Forgive yourself for partnering with unforgiveness and the things that come with it. Repent (turn the other direction). Ask God, "What is Your truth?" Listen for His voice and receive it. Whenever something is uprooted in us, something will take it's place. If it doesn't get filled with truth right away, more lies and deception will enter right back in.
I think that living in thankfulness is part of living a victorious lifestyle.

Still want more proof that there's something with this whole thankfulness thing? Here are a few articles I found online. Personally, I'm coming from the perspective that God is the originator of thankfulness, that He's the giver of the blessings in our lives, and He is who I thank for these things. Some of these sites don't hold that view but are recognizing there is something very powerful about gratitude.

http://www.managingthought.com/forwardthinkinggentlereminder/volume5/thepowerofthankfulness

https://www.thepowerofthankfulness.com/index.html

http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1160/the-power-of-thankfulness/2011/11/20

But want the ultimate proof? Try it out in your own life. Visit 5 things - a 21 day challenge on Facebook.

I dare you to open yourself up to God and His heart in this whole ordeal and see what happens...

self proclaimed pajama day.

2012-01-14T23:57:00.000-06:00

I wore my pajamas all day today.

It rocked.

Life has been crazily wonderful lately, but wayyyyyy full. And kinda intense.

Not to mention MUCH to celebrate...we're only 14 days into the new year and I have found myself numerous times completely WOWed by how God is miraculously healing, bringing life, and drawing people into relationship with Himself. PARRRRR-TAY! *does a little dance in her chair*

I will write up some specific stories soon...they are FUN. Stay tuned...

The happenings of lately are just the beginnings of much, much more...and that blows my mind. Seriously. There's so much going on. I don't mean that life is busy. (Although there's some truth to that.) I mean that the activity and movement of God is so visible right now...

I asked God last night for an increased capacity in us to take in all that's to come. Cuz...WOW.

I was jelly last night...exhausted. But not like a burnt out exhausted. I've felt that before and what I felt last night was way, way, way different. It was outstandingly peaceful...but man I was mush. Haha Once I got home from Friday Night Worship, I slept phenomenally though. Today was a day to rest. Played guitar. Caught up with my roommie. Hung out with Daddy. Cleaned my room. Took a nap. Pizza and movie at home. Oh yeah, and wore my awesome new pajama pants that my sis gave me for Christmas (all day).

It was a day to step away from the intensity and allow my body, mind, spirit, and soul to just be. Nothing crazy. Just chill.

I was craving a day like this.

Hmmm, know what else I've been craving lately?

Laughter.

Like, big time laughter. I have lots of good little laughs sprinkled throughout my days most every day. I'm thankful for that!

But ya know those laughs where you're just...gone? Outta control? Wishin ya didn't drink quite as much liquid earlier? To the point you don't even know why you are laughing, you just are and you cannot stop?

Yeah, like that.

I'm asking for that this week...for you, for me, for your families, for your friends, for your co-workers.

There's something powerful about this laughter thing lately...

Bring.it.on.

:)

this is what You do. [part 2]

2012-01-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

You restore joy.
[true, everlasting joy]

You dissolve cancer cells into powerless nothingness.
[do it again]
[and again]
[and again]
[and...]

This is what You do.

You take away headaches and give deep rest.
[this causes dancing in the driveway at work]

You change our countenance.
[it's noticeable]

You wake us up and get us outta bed.
[the snooze button has lost it's appeal]

You make us dance and jump around with no reservations.
[it's FUN]

This is what You do.

You freely extend hope to us...whole cities...nations...all generations...
[receive, receive, receive]

You speak to us.
[You have outstanding things to say]

This is what You do.

You love.
[like, for real love...that changes everything]

You turn hearts back to You.
[not forcibly, but by an indescribable compelling presence]

You dig wells that spring up fountains that never run dry.
[once we drink of what you offer, there's no settling for backwash any longer]

This is what You do.

You make life worth living.
[fully]
[now]

and so we wait for the Sons and Daughters.

2011-12-19T18:01:00.000-06:00

"And so we wait, and so we wait, for you to come..."

A couple weeks ago at Friday Night Worship we were singing "St. Francis". It was written as a song of Hope for San Francisco. It's a genuine cry out for a city to hold on to the promise that God will bring freedom, healing, and restoration to a wounded town.

We have been singing it often on Friday nights and the words have become a prayer for Bemidji. It's awesome.

But while singing it that night, something felt different.

As we sang, "And so we wait, so we wait, for the sun to shine. And so we wait, so we wait for You to come," God interrupted my singing and said, "You don't have to wait for me. I'm here."

Suddenly, it wasn't us singing those words to God.

We were actually being sung to.

Father God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and His angel armies were singing those words over us and over Bemidji. They were crying out for the city to not lose hope.

They were crying out, "And so We wait, and so We wait, for the Sons and Daughters to shine. And so We wait, and so We wait, for you to come."

We are being beckoned. We are being called to come!

Sons and Daughters, come awake! Arise! Walk in Truth of who were created to be! Shine. Shine My glory! For the sake of this city, I burn in you. For the sake of the world, I burn in you. For the sake of the ones who've yet to taste and see, I burn like a fire in you, my Sons and Daughters!

Now is the time to press in and answer the call!

This is totally a re-emerging theme from this summer. The following was written June 10, 2011:

My heart is being stirred...it's like something is missing. I'm at worship...and there was a call to move with God. [This word was so right on! Then shortly after that we started singing another song with the words, "I am Yours, I am Your, I am forever Yours." Totally great song...but this is what I sensed the Lord saying back as the words were being sung...] We're singing "I am Yours" and God's like, "Yes, this is Truth! And I love you. But there is a city full of people who don't embrace this yet. And I am wanting to use YOU to bring light, truth and revival..are you going to stay in your safe zone or step out onto the water? Don't just talk about it!
You cry out for me [God] to move. I'm moving! I'm crying out for the same for my people."
The Holy Spirit is urging us, "Come on, Holy people!"
"All the things you pray for me to do...to move...to sweep across this city...to transform lives...to see revival...You are the answers to your own prayers, my people! When I said to ask the Lord of the harvest to send out more workers in the fields as the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few, what happened next? (Luke 10) I sent the disciples out in my authority.
They didn't just pray for it. They didn't just talk about it it. They want. They moved.

Shortly after this was written, some of us started to spend a lot of time downtown. We met a lot of amazing people this summer while we'd worship, hang out and chat with and pray for people as the walked from bar to bar. One night a man named Larry stopped by the corner we were chilling at. Some people prayed with him that night. He started coming to Friday Night Worship and going to church. This fall, he was baptized in Lake Bemidji. Long story short in the midst of those things, God got a hold of his heart and now he's a new man in Christ! Larry's heart is now to see a ripple effect of God's movement in this city.

COME.ON.

He recently shared these words:

hey everyone i was just thinking about life and stuff lol.....and i realized that the best thing that ever happend to me was meeting u all that friday night downtown.. if it was not for that i would not have been saved, i would not have jesus in my life and i would not have great friends like u all..........praise god..i love u all and god bless...

Press into God's presence. Grow in intimacy with Him and you will shine His glory. People are waiting all over this city. Downtown. In your neighborhood. At your job. When you're in the grocery store. When you're buying stamps at the post office. When you're grabbing a burger at McDonalds. Or sipping coffee at The Cabin.

Every day, no matter where you're at, ask God what He's doing and move alongside Him. And see what kind of crazy-awesome, powerful things happen.

Then release the testimony and do it again...

Arise, Sons and Daughters! LET'S GO.

this is what You do.

2011-12-05T21:57:00.001-06:00

You invite me to run through the rain until I'm drenched.

You make me laugh...super hard.

You heal me.

You pull me up off the ground to stand in the greatest strength I have ever known.
You compel me to dance so much that I'm sore the next morning.
You make me love.

You make me smile...lots.

You cause me to fall to my knees in awe.

You catch my tears.

You make me tremble in Your power.

You infuse me with joy overflowing.

You cut off death to bring me life.

You call me to the magnificent waterfall.

You name me.

You touch my skin.

You permeate my very being.

You captivate me.

You whisper in my ears until they burn for Your words.

You compel me stay up all night long with You.

You make me shine like the dawn.

You challenge me.

You grow me.

You give me purpose and vision.

You soak me in courage.

You grow my expectancy on the shoreline.

You pursue my heart.

You engage my mind.

You free my soul.

You make me long for You more and more and more and more...

You make me come ALIVE.

shallal.

2011-12-05T18:12:00.001-06:00

I feel like making up a new word.

One that would perfectly describe the last few days...

Hmmmm....

Malazzical.

Shallal.

Okay, I guess two words.

They both have red, squiggly lines underneath. Spell check clearly doesn't recognize them. Malazzical stumped Google, so I think we're good to go on that one. It's just fun to say.

Fitting.

These last few days have been "fun" but in a new layer and dimension kind of way that extends far beyond what we typically think of as fun...it's fun completely intertwined with big time, legitimate joy. I guess I'll call that kind of intertwined fun and joy "malazzical" for now. Ha!

Okay, about shallal...whoa.

I kid you not, I was just sitting here and those are those two combination of letters are what I typed. I did not sketch out what this blog post was going to look like beforehand. This is just coming out right now...

Something felt different with "shallal". When I Googled it, there actually were some results.

It's a Muslim name meaning, "waterfalls".

Hmm. WOW.

My "WOW" requires some backdrop.

I wrote a little bit about waterfalls a couple months ago. The theme of water always strikes a chord in me. Specifically in recent months, it's waterfalls and shorelines that get me. Shorelines tend to come up more when it's just me and God spending time together. When others have been speaking and sharing words and images with me while they pray for me, waterfalls have been a part of these words and images definitely more than once in the last few months.

The other day, I went to the Cabin Coffeehouse to read.

As I was driving there, I told myself that if this one particular loveseat was open, I'd stay there and read. But if someone was already sitting there, I really felt like finding another place in town to chill. That loveseat area is totally my favorite spot in the whole place. I've read and journaled there numerous times. To my delight, the spot was wide open.

After sitting there for a couple hours, I started to really notice the artwork all around.

Yes, I was there for a couple of hours before really noticing the specifics of what was around me.

See, when I walk into a room, I don't really see details (generally speaking). I take in the bigger picture and notice themes, colors and the overall "feel" of the space. Unless I'm very, very, very intentional about observing it or it's not hi-lighted for some reason, I typically won't be able to tell you much about the details. True story.

I started to take in more of the details around me and I was enjoying some captivating pictures and painting near the fireplace. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw blue...which is my favorite color. Any shade of blue. I'll take it. This blue was on the painting directly above the loveseat I was sprawled out on. I looked up to my right and there hung a large painting of...shallal...a magnificent waterfall.

I was sitting right underneath it.

Which is where I feel like I have been dwelling in this new season of life.

I'm either underneath/near a waterfall or I'm hanging out on a shoreline while the waves splash on my feel and I watch mighty waves forming out on the horizon. They are coming soon.

I know I'll have much more to share about this journey with joyfilled, powerful waves and joyfilled, roaring shallal in the days ahead.

Malazzical shallal. I'm claiming that phrase right now.

And I'm expectant. Very, very expectant.

let it come, let it come, let it come.

2011-11-20T00:13:00.001-06:00

I think the answer might be snow.

Umm, okay? Sooo...what's the question?

I'll get there.

First, I gotta say that this summer I acquired a new found love of rain. Now that it started snowing in beautiful Northern Minnesota and winter is truly upon us, I acquired a new found love of snow.

This is a strange comment for me.

Summer has always been my best buddy when it comes to seasons. Winter and snow...I don't not like these things. However, my spirit has never had such a response to the snow like it has during the first snowfalls this season.

Something's different this year.

And it's snowing again tonight.

Gently.

Powerfully.

Steadily.

When you look up, it seems never ending. Pure, white flakes just keep falling from sky, filling the air and landing on this city. A fresh blanket of snow rests upon the streets. On rooftops. Over fields. It traces the tops of fences and makes it's home on the tops of tree branches.

Everything out in the open has a new covering.

It's awesome.

When I got off work tonight, I spent time outside by the lake simply enjoying the snow.

I can't help but desire to be surrounded by it. I genuinely want it to fall upon me. I can't stop gazing into it. It's captivating. It carries such peace and hope.

After I got home, I started listening to this song.

"What does it sound like when you sing heaven's song?

What does it feel like when heaven comes down?

What does it look like when God is all around?

Let it come."

That's the question: What does it look like when God is all around?

What do I think the answer is?

Snow.

I think it looks like snow, at least in part.

Something inside knows it's a lot more than just the snow. But this is one of the tangible ways God is showing me the awesomeness of His presence right now...through the snow.

And it doesn't show signs of stopping.

So let it snow.

Let it come.

Let Your presence come and fall.

Let it be a new covering here.

90° corner back.

2011-11-14T12:00:00.001-06:00

I took my drivers test twice in high school.

During my first attempt, the 90 degree corner back got me. My parent's Buick got a little too acquainted with those bright orange cones.

It wasn't the Buick's fault. Or the cones. The driver just hadn't quite mastered the move yet.

But as a 15 year old hoping to walk away with my farmer's license that day, I allowed it to be a pretty big bummer. As a 29 year old looking back on it all, it makes me chuckle.

Especially when I think about an image that God gave me the other day as I thought about all the stretching and growing I am in the midst of right now.

I saw myself in my car with Jesus and he was teaching me to drive. And guess what we were working on?

Yep, 90 degree corner backs.

He certainly has a sense of humor, don't you think?

In this vision, Bertha, my Pontiac, was getting acquainted with those bright orange cones. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it right away.

Until I realized Jesus wasn't freaking out about it. He wasn't upset with me. He didn't think I was incapable of getting it. He wasn't disappointed. In fact, he was kind of laughing. Not at me. Just at the situation. He was delighted in the whole deal. And he released a whole bunch of grace and joy in the learning process. I lightened up and laughed, too. And kept pressing in and trying.

In life lately, I'm learning how to do 90 degree corner backs. Things with relationships. Confrontation. Stewarding time. Forgiveness. Honor. Leadership...

As I learn, I am hitting some cones. Each time it happens, I'm realizing more and more that I have a choice. I can choose to give attention to the pain and lean into the disappointment of the situation. Or I can choose to press into God, praise Him, and receive healing and courage to keep going.

I'm not suggesting we need to deny the hits and shove them under the rug. But we certainly don't need to glorify and feed them either! The pain of "hitting cones" will happen in life. As Becky said last night, "Put it on your planner!"

It's what we do when we're faced with the challenges. I think how we react or respond is the true test of revealing in whom or what we're placing our identity.

...phew, that's hitting my heart big time in the last couple of weeks.

It always comes back to identity. Wow.

... this seems like a good pause point ...

Alright, now jump back to my drivers test for a second. If I didn't go back and take the test for the second time in high school, I'd still be getting around on a bike today.

I'm not knocking bikes here. But seriously, why ride around on a bike when there is something far greater and more powerful as your inheritance?

If I don't press into these current challenges, before I know it, I'll be 89 and still avoiding the corner backs of life and will have strayed away from my purpose and inheritance.

No thanks! I choose to press in and leave an imprint in my Daddy...

What are your corner backs of life right now? What would it look like for you to press into God and courageously move forward...or backward, that is, if you're doing a corner back.

Friends, I declare right now an outpouring of grace, healing, and courage to take ownership in our lives!

thank·ful [thangk-fuhl]

2011-11-09T23:10:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I choose thankfulness.

It's been a week of living in tensions. Fighting to remind myself of the truth of who I am. Sifting through many thoughts and emotions with Dad. I sense so much rising up in me. New revelations. Healing. Destiny. It's gotta break soon. Until then, I press into Him and choose to remain thankful. Praise and thanksgiving alter the condition of our spirit and our atmosphere.

So, tonight, I declare my gratitude for...

::time today to rest and be still in God's presence.
::spending time with friends I haven't seen for awhile.
::sleeping in.
::a new winter hat. Let the winter hat wearing commence.
::a Daddy who catches our tears and draws in near to His children.
::Branch Court.
::my family. I miss them so very much.
::going deeper.
::(I can't believe I'm saying this) but the snow. It's a quiet night as I look out my bedroom window and see it accumulating on the grass and on the porch. It's peaceful.
::the fact that "elf yourself" is back. If you know what elf yourself is, you are probably thankful as well.
::unexpected provisions.
::cozy coffeeshops and hot chocolate.
::journals.
::ibethel.tv
::the city of Bemidji.
::psalms.
::Bemidji Area School of Transformation.
::new life. (A friend is in labor right now...they will be welcoming to the world a precious little one soon!)
::healing.
::discovering new music.
::words of encouragement.
::friendship.
::the way all this makes me smile.

one.

2011-10-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

Just One Drop

by Jonathan David Helser

Just one drop of your blood and my sins are gone

Just one thread of your robe and I'm made whole

Just one glimpse of your face is all I dream of

Just one moment of your favor is so much greater

You are the One who was

You are the One who is

You are the One who will always be

Just one word from your lips and the heaves were made

Just one touch of your hand and I am changed

Just one breath from your mouth and I come alive

Just one moment of your favor is so much greater

No matter what my circumstances try to say

I will trust in you, I will lift my voice

And I will say, "You are greatly to be praised!"

Just one drop and everything will change

Just look at the nations

And watch and be amazed

I'm gonna do something in your days

You wouldn't even believe if I told you

All it takes is one drop

One mustard seed

And mountains will move

Just one

Just one drop, just watch

Just one drop

That's all it takes

And everything will change

Just look at the nations

Rain is coming

I can feel the first drops falling

Open up you ancient wells

Open wide

unprecedented awakening.

2011-10-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

ripples that steadily form into tidal waves.
washing over and flooding life into everything desperate. dry. withering.

a single spark exploding into a mass of radiance.
pressing through a barely cracked open door.
swinging wide the barrier with an invasion of light.

darkness vanished.

illuminated love and hope in homes.
on the streets. entire cities. the world.
nations.

souls no longer sleepwalking.

eyes opened.
seeing again.
truly seeing.
the way we were created to see.

ears unplugged.
hearing again.
truly hearing.
the way we were created to hear.

minds renewed.
knowing again.
truly knowing.
the way we were created to know.

bodies healed.
living again.
truly living.
the way we were created to live.

emotions captivated.
feeling again.
truly feeling.
the way we were created to feel.

hearts beating.
loving again.
truly loving.
the way we were created to love.

an army rising up.
walking in the confidence and power of our true identity.

the way we were created to walk.

on earth as it is in heaven.

keep hoping, waseca.

2011-10-09T00:20:00.000-05:00

There will always be something special about your hometown.

Mine rests in southern Minnesota where highway 13 and highway 14 intersect. As you drive into the city, the signs welcome you and invite you to "Discover Waseca".

If you spend much time there and get to know the residents in this little town, I think you'd quickly discover that there is a unique sense of community. I totally felt it growing up but didn't realize the depth until I graduated college and I'd come back to visit.

Just see what happens when students gather for a sporting event and the community rallies around them. Or when the Marching Jays play their show one last time long after the judges are gone and it's just the parents and others from the community who traveled hours to cheer them on with an outpouring of support.

Or see what happens with tragic events hit hard. There is a coming together to encourage each other towards healing.

But there have been too many of these instances over the years and even recent months. Another one just occurred in the last 24 hours. There is a sadness inside knowing that when life ends abruptly, it has deep impact on many people whom I love so dearly. I mourn alongside you, family and friends.

In the midst of this mourning, I am compelled to speak of Hope.

City and community of Waseca, you are a unique and special people with a purpose and destiny. Declare with me for the release of Life and Hope that comes from the heart of Jesus to fill the streets of this city and saturate the lives of all who reside there! We speak Life over Waseca!

This song, by Kristine Mueller, was written as a song of Hope for San Francisco. It's a genuine and mighty cry out for a city to keep holding on to the promise that God will bring freedom, healing, and restoration to a wounded town.

"So keep hoping, [Waseca], you'll be a free town yet. You'll see the sun shine again over your city streets..."

cartwheels.

2011-10-08T10:57:00.001-05:00

Cartwheels = Joy.

I'll explain.

Some of you, if you're like me, can't really do a cartwheel. I can hardly do a summersault without getting dizzy.

I'm not kidding.

Whatever happened to the days I could flip upside down, spin around in circles, and roll down hills without losing my cookies?

Things change, I guess. Ha!

I didn't associate cartwheels to joy until last week. It was part of the crazy adventure last Friday. You can read more about that here if you haven't already. Looking for a reason to believe that God speaks and truly wants to love us? Then check it out. It's a long story, but totally worth the read.

After passing a very bad accident on the way to the cities, we were overcome with sadness and grief. It's hard to describe what shifted in the air. But something definitely shifted.

A few miles more down the road, we passed a baseball field full of children. They were playing and throwing around a huge ball to one another. A girl wearing red out in left field caught my eye. Out of nowhere, she did a cartwheel. It brought a smile to my face in the midst of a heaviness that we were feeling after the accident scene. Something shifted again in the air, this time in the direction of Hope.

I really don't think this girl was disinterested in the throw-a-super-giant-ball-at-each-other-game. Who wouldn't enjoy that?!

But you're right, I don't really know everything she was thinking in the moment she gracefully rolled herself over, but I like to think she just had something inside her that compelled her to release some goodness and joy out there on that green playing field on a sun filled, fall afternoon.

I like to think she just couldn't help it.

When you've got the joy and you are full of it to the point of overflowing, it's hard not to do a cartwheel. Or laugh uncontrollably. Or speak words of Life and Hope. Or serve humbly. Or forgive. Or honor one another.

You might be asking, "But, what about the times when trial and pain are all around me? What about the times I pass by a horrendous accident on the road of life? It's hard to do a cartwheel then."

Then hold onto Joy and lean into God's Truth in the midst of challenge with such intensity that you leave an imprint in Him. He's the source of joy. When you press into Him, it'll absorb right into you.

Then release it to the world around you...

Do a cartwheel.

amber: precious jewel.

2011-10-03T21:24:00.001-05:00

"You will release Life today."

These words, a promise from God, written in black ink rested between the blue lines on a simple piece of college lined notebook paper. They were scribed onto that paper during a drive down to the cities Friday afternoon.

The trip started like any other roadtrip. Classmates of the Bemidji Area School of Transformation, but more so friends on an incredible journey of learning together, piled into two vehicles. We were anticipating the day ahead while dancing to the music in the car, chatting away and getting to know each other.

We were on our way to listen to Randall Worley at a church in Burnsville. We left early so we could go to the Mall of America beforehand to see how God was at work there.

And of course He was at work there. He's at work everywhere.

On our last stretch of the trip, we all took time together to focus on God, His heart, and His desires for the day and sought after what the Father was doing so that we could partner with that.

As this occurred, a police car sped past us. Right after, I closed my eyes and put in earphones. We didn't know yet, but up ahead was a scene that would cause a seriousness and grief to settle over us all.

Because my eyes were shut and I had headphones in my ears up until we drove directly by, I didn't have much time to take in everything that was going on. But there was enough time for some vivid images to flood my mind. There was a car totally mangled and flipped over while a small group of people were huddled around a body laying on the ground in the ditch. They were covering the person up with a blanket.

We immediately started praying and interceding. We prayed about whether or not we should stop. We heard "no." So we kept driving. Two of us (without knowing until a little later) saw angels of comfort completely immersed in the situation.

Passing the scene of that accident shifted something in the air around us. Soon after, Becky called us from the other car to process what had just happened.

Steph heard something very specific as she prayed and as it was shared, much stirred in our spirit. It was a wake up call for us that we needed to be alert to what God was doing that day. He prepared us by telling us that he wanted to intervene in a life and death situation while we were at the Mall of America.

I'm not sure any of us really knew what this life and death situation was going to look like, but something inside knew that God was truly speaking clearly and intently into us. There was a confidence that when we saw it, we'd know.

I need to explain something more before I move on. When we pulled out of the driveway in Bemidji, I noticed Steph's license plate was SRB116.

You know how when you see your name or your initials, it snags your attention? I guess when we see our name or identity, it does something inside. As it should.

Well, SRB are my initials. When I saw that I immediately thought Psalm 116 because it reminded me of my amazing Uncle Donnie and Aunt Susie. In 1998, my cousin, Nick (their son), was killed in a motorcycle accident. After he died, my aunt shared a story about how the license plate of his truck encouraged her. I don't recall the specifics of that part. I just know it had to do with a license plate. Sorry. But it was cool! I also recalled how after Nick died she woke up in the middle of the night and was lead to read Psalm 116.

Even though that psalm came to mind right away when seeing SRB116, I didn't read it until after we passed the accident.

You can read the psalm here.

I was blown away by the theme of death and life in this passage. It was completely fitting with what we were praying about and overall sensed as we continued towards the cities.

I was going to share it with my friends in the car, but decided to wait until the song that we were listening to at the time, You Won't Relent, was over. Meanwhile, I decided to copy down the passage on another piece of college ruled paper.

As I'm writing the first line, "I love the Lord, for..." Justin asks from up front, "Hey Suzanne, you have your Bible?"

"Yyyyyep."

"Can you turn to Psalm 116?"

*insert slight jaw drop moment*

"Uhhhh, yeah, so I'm opened up to that right now and I just starting copying it down."

Wow.

We read it outloud and God used it big time as we got closer to the mall. It affirmed that we were to keep our peace and joy as we partnered with the Holy Spirit that day.

Alright, jump ahead to us at the mall. We broke up into a few groups and started walking around. Some of us had some specific leadings as to where to go.

(And FYI - there are more great testimonies of that day that we are praising and thanking God for! He truly worked through everyone that day. I love partnering with you guys! God is awesome.)

So we were at the mall, and each of us moved forward with the ways God had spoken to us on the way down. For me, there was one particular place in the mall I kept envisioning. I was incredibly compelled to linger around a specific restaurant there.

I eventually reached that area with Heather and Mark. Right when we arrived there, Heather leaned over to me and declared, "There is major peace here."

So true.

The impression we had was to just hang out there and God would reveal the next steps.

A few minutes later, I found myself standing next to one of the girls that worked there. She was tidying things up. It's hard to explain, but words were coming out of my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was saying.

"This seems like a really fun place to work. Do you enjoy it here?" I asked.

This simple question opened the door to a phenomenal, divine conversation.

A few minutes into our conversation, she asked me what I was doing at the mall. I shared that I am a part of a ministry school in Bemidji and we were going to listen to a speaker at a church in Burnsville that night.

I felt silenced about saying anything about being at the mall to see how God was at work. It's like God put a little cork in my mouth in that moment. So I stood there, not sure what to say.

In my silence, the next thing she said was, "I haven't been to church in like three years."

She then opened up a bit about her life and background. What emerged next was a genuine desire and hunger for something of God. She said that she would like to go to church again, but didn't know where to go.

Okay, God...what do you want me to do with this? She's desiring this, but I live no where near the cities and I highly doubt she'll roadtrip to Bemdiji each Sunday morning. ;)

What did I hear?

"Connect her."

I asked her, if she was comfortable with this, if she'd like to give me her name and contact info and I'd connect her with some of my friends in the cities who go to church. I know they'd welcome her and love to go with her and help her check things out.

She agreed and we exchanged names and numbers.

As I handed her a little slip of paper with my info, she started to cry.

Quietly and almost to herself, she said, "I can't believe I'm having this conversation right now."

What she shared next still causes me to come before God with great awe...possibly even more so then the first time around. It blows me away every time I think about it.

With tears in her eyes, she shared, "Two days ago, I tried to kill myself. And today...I almost didn't come to work. I was going to call in..."

But there she stood.

And there I stood.

And there God was in our midst, radically pursuing His precious daughter.

Because He won't relent, "for there is love that is as strong as death, jealously demanding as the grave...

...and many waters cannot quench this love."

She was in awe. I was in awe. We were both trying to absorb everything as we both had tears in our eyes.

Things from earlier in the day were starting to make much more sense as she also told me that she had been looking for a sign that she was truly loved by someone.

God was bringing life, intervening in a life and death situation.

Wow, wow, wow.

Declare my love to her and read Psalm 116...

And share about why you're at the mall.

God removed that cork from my mouth as that became the right time to share. I released God's Words of Life. I told her the story about the trip down. The accident. How we were lead to Psalm 116. That we were at the mall because God was at work there and wanted to have encounters with people. And that, among many other ways God was at work that day, he wanted to bring Life into a life or death situation.

After I declared the psalm over her we talked some more.

Eventually, I laid hands on her and prayed.

Friends, there is power in the name of Jesus. Call upon His name! He is mighty to save.

I made sure she was going to be okay when she got off work. As our conversation came to a close she said, "Maybe you can call or text me later with another thing to read in the Bible?"

"Absolutely, Amber. Do you have a Bible at home?"

"I don't," she replied.

Well, she does now.

It has duct tape wrapped around it to hold it together. There are tear stains on some of the pages that fell from my face during secret place time with my Daddy. And there's a yellow star sticky note with my name on it in the front cover. I kept it in there and told her, "When you think of it, you can pray for me, too, k?"

I had slipped in my Bible those college lined pieces of paper from the car ride down with prayers and promptings for the day. As I pulled them out, Ephesians caught my eye. Just the day before, as part of an assignment for school, I had hi-lighted everything in blue in chapters 1 and 2 that declared our identity in Christ. This pointed her to the next part of Scripture to read.

We hugged goodbye, told her I loved her and that God loved her like crazy and we parted ways.

I walked out into the busy mall, speechless. Yet my spirit was sending out major and intense thanksgiving to God.

Later that night I received a text from Amber.

"Thank u god blessed me with u today it kinda changed my life. I can't believe how he works and puts people together. thank u for the bible I read the highlighted parts and I couldn't help but cry. I hope u really can find someone I can meet to go to church. I feel so new...I went from wanting to die and give up on my life and kids and something brought u into the store. :)"

That "something" is the Holy Spirit. And friends, if you are a Christ follower, this "something" is seeking to lead you into the very places that God wants to breathe Life and shine Light. Church, come awake and let's move forward into our calling and identity! Testimonies like this are becoming our new normal.

Let's walk in this new normal! We have been given and already possess all that we need to see heaven invade earth!

...

Since Friday, Amber and I have been in communication and have helped to link her up with some awesome friends in the cities. The Holy Spirit will carry things forth into more and more Life.

Something else hit me the other day. I felt like there was something to this during our conversation. The whole time we talked, we were standing by these coffeemugs with names on them. The entire time we talked, she was "tidying" up this area so that we could keep talking and she could appear to keep "working." :) It was cute.

I believe there is something about identity here. After I got home, I looked up what Amber means and what the color, amber, means.

Amber: precious jewel.
The color amber: the Father's heavenly care, glory of God

Amber, your life is purposeful! Your life will shine the glory of God to many. You have greatly impacted my life already. I thank God for you and your life! You are a beautiful, loved, and cherished Daughter of the Father. You are His precious jewel.

Thanks be to our Glorious Father!

*Amber gave me permission to share this story.*

like a waterfall.

2011-09-30T00:19:00.000-05:00

It is, indeed, a new season.

I mean that in a lot of ways.

I am not going to go into every realm in which that is true but I feel the need to declare that it is a new dawn!

A new day!

A new season!

Like, now.

It's not a future event. (Yes, that sounds strangely familiar to something Jillian Michaels says in one of her crazy ridiculous work out videos.)

Last March, I heard God say a new day and a new dawn was coming.

Yesterday, I heard Jillian Michaels say that "transformation is not a future event. It's a present activity." Little does she know how much God spoke through her as she kicked my butt during a workout.

This new day is not a future event. It's a present reality.

The sky has officially and wonderfully turned from vast darkness to the warm colors of a morning dawn.

And the sun has started to peak it's glorious light over the horizon.

It's bright.

It's beautiful.

This picture (especially from a little phone camera) doesn't do justice to the beauty of what God is up to. Take this image and magnify the glory and beauty times...oh, i don't know...at least 33 trillion and that might almost line up to the awesomeness and wonder of this new day that God has brought forth.

...Wow.

What new day or new season is God bringing forth in and around you? Ask Him. He'll show and tell.

Remember, He speaks. And we can hear Him.

There are so many dimensions to the new day that God has created into existence. I am learning to live in this new day and season. Just like last May, there is more new territory and I've recently turned onto more unfamiliar roads.

I'm very much a growing and stretched student of God right now.

It's gooooooooood to be stretched. I'm wearing a rubber band around my wrist for the rest of this school year to remind myself of that.

One current stretching and tension I'm living in is how to steward my time.

It looks a lot different than it did this summer. Because of my work schedule and how my life looked at that time, I had lots and lots of time to soak in God's presence and also enjoy the company of lots and lots of different people and partner with God in these relationships and circles of connections.

Well, I know that I still NEED super solid time of soaking with God in this new season and any and every season yet to come. So that cannot be shortchanged...ever.

It keeps me grounded and is the source of my strength, joy, hope, vision, identity and deep desire to release Life and Light into darkness. Intimate time with Father God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit deeply compels me to outward mission.

There are so many "good" things right now that I could spend my time doing. But I'm sensing that as part of this new season, I need to have laser-pointed focus on where and with whom I am to be intentional.

Between working full time and being a student with the Bemidji Area School of Transformation (connected to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry), I don't have the kind of free time that I did this summer.

I'm learning more about boundaries (again!) and learning to say "no".

Strrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrretch.

Sometimes it's saying "no" to seemingly good things. Like hanging out with people. Leading a small group. Being a part of a small group. Helping start 24/7 prayer at church. Going downtown 2-3 nights a week. These are a few of the good opportunities before me in the last week alone. I want to do them all to some degree. But I can't. And shouldn't.

It's becoming about asking, "God, what are you doing" and then saying "yes" to the right things...the things that line up with what He's doing and where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Otherwise I will totally burn out if I just say yes to every single great opportunity that crosses my path. Which I have to admit, I can be tempted to do. But I guess that's never really a healthy way to live no matter what season you're in even if you have all the time in the world.

God, what are you doing?

I totally sense God greatly narrowing my focus when it comes to relationships and places of mission for a season.

Don't hear me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm not investing in relationships or living missionally. But in this new season, it looks very different than it has looked. I'm still discovering what that means.

I do know that I'm going to have a small inner circle of close and trusted friends that I'm journeying along in life, as iron sharpens iron, whom I will connect with intentionally and consistently. I praise God for these amazing, trusted friends.

I also know that Light is not meant to be hidden, so I will still shine and invade darkness in partnership with Him. And have some fun knocking down some walls that are holding the Light back right now. Ha!

But how I'm to serve and what that all looks like...totally asking God what's going on here. I have soooo many things on my mind and heart. I trust He'll hi-lite the people and places.

I believe direction will come more and more in that secret time with Him. Another reason I need that time. And we all need that time. It aligns us more with His heartbeat and moves us to move with Him.

This song has stalked me the last few months. It came up again tonight during school.

Oh Lord, I need You.

Capture me and steal me away.

Take me deeper, into Your heart.

Surround me with Your love and hold me close.

And never, never let me go.

So close that I can feel Your every breath until my heart begins to dance with Yours..

Never let me go.

Won't you take me to a new place.

To a realm of mercy and grace.

Where love, love flows heavy.

Like a waterfall.
Like a waterfall of honey.

Let Your love be poured out on me.

Overcome me.

-United Pursuit Band-Waterfall

it's not random.

2011-09-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

God speaks.

It's really quite simple.

But we complicate it. We think we can't hear Him. We tune into the wrong voices. We doubt.

Yet the Truth remains.

He speaks.

We can hear Him.

God wants to interact with us. Focus in on that Truth.

If you are reading this, know right now that the God who created this world also created you and wants to breathe Life into your soul by speaking words of Life into your very being.

It's set on my heart tonight to share words of Life that the Living God spoke through Justin Rizzo during an IHOP Worship With the Word session on August 6th.

I could go deep with how these words have been interacting with my soul in the last number of weeks, but I don't believe that's the point right now. Plus, one thing He's teaching me lately is that not everything that happens in our relationship with Him needs to be shared. There is secret time with Him that's not intended for others to see. Cool, huh? I like that.

Friends, enjoy Him. May your ears and soul be open to the Holy Spirit and receive whatever it is that He is speaking into your life.

August 6, 2011, 8am Worship:

You say, "But Lord, all that I've longed for has yet to appear and I just seem to be shifting and changing year after year.

Going here. Going there. Trying to find. Going there. Moving here.

Wandering."

But the Lord says, "You are in my purpose."

The Lord says, "You are in my will."

The Lord says, "Even as you go, I will direct your steps. I am leading you. I have always been. I'm not far away or detached from you.

You've been blaming yourself for who you are. But I'm saying I love every part of you. You are beloved. I love who you are. And I brought you here this very morning. I brought you here to hear me loud and clear.

Do not despise that which I have made. Do not doubt me.

My leadership of your life is perfect," says the Lord.

"And as you go, I'm there with you. It's my hand leading you.

Oh, how I love you.
Oh, how I love you.
Oh, how I love you," says the Lord of hosts.

"Oh, how I love you. Oh, how I love you.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

Just rest in me. Just rest in me.

Just rest in me.

I love you so dearly.

Just rest in me. Just rest in me.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. Just rest in me.

Let me do my work in you," says the Lord.

"Let it go deep.

Let it go deep.

Let it go deep.

Your identity is in me.

You're beautiful because I created you.

It's not about what you do.

You're beautiful simply because I dreamed a dream and I brought you forth.

Do you know the plans I have for you?" says the Lord.

"I brought you forth. I have you all figured out. You're not a mystery to me. I have your life planned. And it's more than you've ever dreamed. You're not a mystery to me. I have your life planned. And it's more than you've ever dreamed. You're beautiful.

So rest.

So rest.

So rest in me.

The journey is only just begun. So rest in me, my fair one.

You're not made a mistake. Every single road you've been on you've been learning. I've been teaching.

It's not random what I'm doing in you.

You're not a mystery to me. I have you all figured out. For I formed and created you. Know this without a doubt.

You're beautiful.

So rest in me."

unplugged.

2011-09-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

I baptized my phone in Lake Bemidji today. It certainly was not intentional but in many ways, I think it was a good thing.

Also, internet is down at home. Again, I think this can be a good thing.

I decided to hit up the library to make a post on Facebook just in case anyone has been texting or calling me today just to let them know I'm not ignoring them.

It kind of makes me laugh how dependant we are on technology to stay connected. It seems like the things that keep us "in touch" with others are all devices that need to be plugged in to stay charged up to make our connections possible.

Right now, although I am on a computer at the library for another 30 minutes, it kind of feels good to be unplugged. I'll expand on this in a bit.

But first, like I said, I didn't intentionally throw my phone into the lake today. It was just one of those moments. I smelled cigarette smoke and I was trying to turn around to see if someone was hovering above me or around me smoking. Not sure what I was going to do if that was the case. Probably just move. I dislike cigarette smoke and it was distracting me.

Anyway, as I tried to turn, that's when things went downhill. My eyes got huge as I tried to catch my little Droid as it slid off the rock and hung in air centimeters above the surface of the water. My headphone chord was, at that point, saving it from the water. But my phone was just a few ounces too heavy for the chord to bear the weight. It plopped in. I fished it out immediately and...well, I didn't swear...but my words weren't exactly praiseworthy words. I almost got mad about it but then I actually laughed a little bit.

Just earlier in the day I was reminded that I actually wanted to downgrade my phone because I don't really need all the fancy features of a smart phone and I could save some money. Although, my idea of downgrade didn't involve Lake Bemidji anywhere in the process, but oh well.

Also, I was listening to a song by United Pursuit Band as it took the plunge. The last words I heard in my ear were, "You are good, You always will be..."

God started to turn my attitude around.

And then I suddenly felt free being disconnected.

"Come away with Me," He whispered in my ear.

That's why I had gone down to the lake in the first place. It was a place to meet with God and just be still before Him. So much has been happening in the recent weeks. So much to thank Him for! So much to rejoice over! So much to try and take in. New life is springing up in this city. A new normal is forming. A changing season is underway.

I've said this before, but I love summer. When September came, it brought Autumn weather right along with it. It's not bad by any means. I just love summer! And so it makes me kind of sad seeing it's departure.

The song, Every Season, that inspired this blog has a great line about the changing of summer to autumn. "I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come. You are autumn." This is perfect for the changing of seasons right now.

The seasons change (weather-wise) is reflective of another changing season of life and journey with Christ. I moved to a new house for work. I changed from overnights to day shift. I'm starting Bemidji Area School of Transformation next week. New schedules. New relationships forming. Lots of learning. And growing.

And God is moving mightily...

There are seriously stories daily of seeing Him transform lives here. And everytime something awesome happens, I keep hearing, "This is just the beginning..." WOW.

A new normal is developing. A new season of transformation and revival. It's incredibly amazing and also challenging at the same time. God is shifting things in my heart and surroundings. Being grounded and rooted is an emerging theme once again. Finding steadiness in Him is of utmost importance. Not running on fumes of the amazing stories, but running on the fuel He provides directly from secret time with Him is what is needed.

So now I'm unplugged from things that sometimes distract me and this afternoon has been good. Song of Songs swept me away.

Arise my darling, my beautiful one. Come with me...

grace.

2011-08-31T13:57:00.000-05:00

The coming fall sunshine was sending it's warmth onto my face as I sat in a very special place.

For now, I'll just tell you that I was sitting on a bench. A very simple yet unique bench in downtown Bemidji.

I sit there a lot.

Why?

Because God is meeting people there. True story.

Lately, there are stories springing up daily.

On Monday, I was enjoying a shake from The Breeze, reading, journaling and noticing the many people walking in and out of Wells Fargo. At one point, one particular women caught my eye.

She was nothing short of precious.

She wore an adorable sun hat, a flowery shirt that she pulled off perfectly and walked carefully and purposefully with her little walker into Wells Fargo while a younger gentleman held the door open for her.

I couldn't help but keep my eyes on her as she walked by. Something in my spirit stirred and I knew I needed to talk to her.

As she was in the bank, I prayed and asked God what I was to do and how I was to pray for her. The main theme was blessing. As I was getting what and how to pray for her, tears filled my eyes. I can't even begin to explain to you why. It just happened.

One very specific thing was that God would bless her family and her sons and daughters. I didn't know if she had biological sons or daughters, but I was beginning to wonder if perhaps she was a spiritual mother to many sons and daughters.

Well, I waited outside on that bench. Close to 15 minutes passed by and she still hadn't emerged from the bank. I turned my eyes towards the door and saw her walker and I realized she was sitting down in a chair waiting to talk to one of the bankers.

Almost immediately I felt a nudge to actually go inside to sit down next to her and talk and pray for her there instead of waiting for her to come out.

Ummmm...

Thus began a wrestling match inside. I'll be totally honest, I was super excited for her to come out and I was not afraid to talk to her on the street. But for whatever reasons, the idea of going inside and sitting down next to her to talk somehow made me battle fear. I was humbled. Suddenly I realized I wanted to do this on my terms.

Here's some of the conversation with my gracious Dad. You should be able to tell quickly who is saying what.

"Are you sure, God? Can't I just wait for her to come out...? Am I really supposed to go in? Is it that big of a deal...?"

Those are just a few of my thoughts and questions as I wrestled.

As quickly as the nudge to go into the store was inside, so was the temptation to question and doubt.

"There's a purpose Suzanne...I'm teaching you obedience and I want to show my glory..."

"But it's so small and quiet in there...and..." yada yada yada...excuses.

"Trust..."

Well, eventually I did gather my things and I walked into the tiny Wells Fargo on the corner of the street praying as I stepped inside, "Okay, Father...here we go..."

I walked through the doors and as soon as I got inside, one of the bankers was walking towards the door with a customer and the cute lady with the sun hat was getting up from her chair to make her way to talk to women that worked there.

Now, there's not a lot of space inside this Wells Fargo and I just kind of stood there figuring out where to stand while thinking, "I missed it."

So I went back to the bench and sat. I knew I could still talk to her when she came out but I was starting to play the "what if" game.

What if I had gone in right when I was urged to do so? What if I prayed for her in there? What if...what if...

Before I could get too far with that game, she came out and I got up, walked to her and asked how she was doing today. We exchanged names and then she asked me how I was doing and what I was doing.

I told her I saw her walk in to the bank and when I saw her, my spirit was stirred and I felt I was to talk to her and pray for her.

She smiled and said, "I will take all the prayer for blessing that I can get. And I just have to say, I am a blessed person. I'm 86 years old. I was a missionary in Turkey for many years. I have done a lot or work in the church. I have so much to be thankful for!"

Spiritual mother to many sons and daughters...um, yep!

Then she reached her arm out and placed her hand on my shoulder and said, "So yes, you can certainly pray for me." And she began to walk away.

I envisioned actually praying for her in her presence and I asked quickly if I could right now. She said, "No, I have to get going." She made her way to the corner to cross the street and I assured her that I'd take time to pray for her as we parted ways.

So I sat back down and prayed the things that were on my mind and heart for her.

Well, most of that story didn't unfold like I thought perhaps it would the moment I first saw her. So I started to unpack it all with God.

Again, I entered back into the "what if" game.

God quickly intercepted.

"Stop, Suzanne. Don't play that game. That's not the point. It's distracting you from Me."

So I started writing down what happened and as I'm writing, it's like God was debriefing it with me and teaching me.

As I'm writing the story, I'm hearing God interact with me. I had a song playing in my ear from Justin Rizzo. I wasn't really listening to the song until this particular moment. It's like three different voices all locked in together at once in a powerful moment.

I heavily sensed that God was telling me that there's grace as I learn obedience with him. While I hear that, the song in my ears declares, "grace..." and also at that exact second I'm at the point in the story where the woman and I exchanged names and I wrote it down. What was her name?

Grace.

I stopped writing. I almost stopped breathing for a second.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh...okay. Wow..."

I am convinced that God is always doing so much more than what we can see in any given circumstance at any given moment. When I first saw Grace walking into the bank and was so compelled to talk to her and pray for her, I had zero inclination that part of what God wanted to do through this all was meet me and bless me, too.

I said earlier that people are meeting him in that place. I have seen a numerous encounters this summer alone.

But one of the many purposes of meeting Grace that day was because God wanted to encounter me in the place where He's meeting so many.

He spoke to me with such power and authority, yet with gentleness that changed my heart.

"There is power in this all. My Kingdom is coming in this place. When you hear my voice, just go for it. No need to wait when I'm telling you to go. Grace for you, my daughter. I'm growing you! And I enjoy watching you learn faithfulness and obedience. Keep learning...put yourself before before me. I will keep you steady. That's a promise, my daughter. I love you."

If you are ever tempted to play the "what if" game with God, stop. As a friend said to me that day, "Don't even pick it up off the shelf." I'll go one step further. Don't even purchase the game and bring it into your house.

Friends, God delights in growing us. He knows our hearts. He extends grace.

Receive. Receive. Receive.

thankful.

2011-08-29T03:05:00.001-05:00

Facebook has this new feature where it shows you what your status was one and two years ago. Some of them have made me laugh...a lot. Others have caused deep gratitude. Like just now.

One this day in 2010: today i'm thankful for: an afternoon nap. fans. my bed. (we shall see each other again soon.) friends from church. hugs. a note from a dear friend. rootbeer floats. half price apps. music. working with great students and staff at bsu. being loved and humbled by a faithful and sovereign God. what are you thankful for today?

One this day...right now: today i'm thankful for: switching back to sleeping during the night and being awake during the day. completely amazing friends from all sorts of circles of communities and seasons of life. hugs. words of life and encouragement. redemption. ice cream. almost pee your pants laughter. talkative 5 year olds. frisbees. God's unfailing, crazy love. beautiful things. toasties and those who work there. being stretched and growing. 3rd st. guitars. stories of transformation. revival.

What are you thankful for today?

summer.

2011-08-25T01:21:00.002-05:00

When it comes to seasons, summer is definitely my favorite.

Always has been. And there's a good chance it always will be. Especially if summers continue to look like this one did.

I say "did" because for the most part, summer is over. *insert sad face here*

There have already been a few early mornings and later evenings that had that fall feeling. If you live in a place where there are four seasons, you probably know what I'm talking about. It's when you walk outside and breathe in that crisp, cool air. The kind that reminds you of your favorite pair of jeans, sweatshirts and high school football games.

Those things are right around the corner! And fall is awesome, too, but I'm doing what I can to soak up the summer sun for as long as it remains here in Northern Minnesota. Which, in my opinion, never is quite long enough.

I had some excellent time in that summer sun this year. There were many days spent by and in the lake or floating on an air mattress in a pool at one of my favorite families in town. I even tried a new adventure that involved a larger than surf board type board, a paddle, the great waves of Lake Bemdiji, a good friend and lots of laughter. (Otherwise known as paddleboarding.)

I was able to visit family three times this summer, which is always a good thing since I don't get to visit nearly as often as I'd really like to. The Hager family reunion was unique and wonderful as usual. This years "unique factor" was a large inflatable jumpy toy...thingy. I don't know what they call those things, but the Hager family reunion of 2011 was fully equipped with one of them. It was a hit with the kids later in the day after it started to cool off a little bit since the heat index that day was around 100 degrees. It was also a hit for my cousin Charlie. (Who had a few years on those kids.) I don't know for a fact, but I'm guessing he felt it the next morning. But thank you for getting in there, because it was a source of much entertainment for all of us watching and taking pictures.

On the topic of reunions, I had my ten year class reunion that same weekend. The day I received the invite for that was a weird day. Ten year class reunion? Has it really been ten years? 2001 to 2011 does indeed equal ten years. Thank you math class. I'll say it again...weird.

But it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed seeing people that I literally hadn't seen since they day we walked across the stage to get our diplomas. There were a lot of close friends from growing up that I wish would have been there, but it was still good and surprisingly challenging near the end. I was praying that I wouldn't get caught in the "comparison game" while there. Near the end, it was a battle in my mind as most of the questions were about what your job is, where you live and if your married or not. But here's the thing, I love my life and wouldn't want to trade a thing since I graduated high school. So thank you Father for identity in you and you alone.

Random note - it's funny how things like Facebook change up the feel of a reunion. I walked in and immediately recognized the spouse of one of my classmates, even though I had never met him and her and I haven't talked in a long time. Thank you, Facebook and the ability to creep on people and know generally what's happening in their lives.

K...what else was great about summer of 2011?

My cousin, Sarah, started a new, beautiful journey of marriage with Ben. To celebrate that with them was incredible! It reminded me how crazy of a party weddings are on my mom's side. It was a celebration, indeed! God bless you guys richly!

With big transitions in life this summer, the class reunion and a wedding that compelled a lot of my family to ask me when we'd be getting back together for another wedding (mine), I have totally thought a lot about this area of my life the last few months. It's been a (very good!) journey through more singleness. I've continued to learn so much...so much so it's worthy of it's own blog entry sometime. All the single ladies, stay tuned.

As mentioned above, big transitions occurred as summer began. Full time InterVarsity staff work came to a close and I stepped into new places and relationships here in Bemidji. Considering all things, this transition has gone INCREDIBLY well! It took a little while to adjust to the new job, especially the night shift element. Which I never did fully adjust to. That season is soon ending, as I only have three more overnights and then I get to function like a more normal human being and work while it's light out! This change is a blessing and provision and while I will miss the residents and staff from my current home, I see God's hand bringing me to a new group home.

Three months of being a "night watcher" had great purposes, no doubt. Time with God during some of those nights was intensely intimate and unique. I learned to rely more deeply on Him for strength. I got to intercede in the middle of the night. I learned to listen more intently.

I also had fun cooking. Getting complimented on my potato salad made me smile. I truly am my mother's daughter. Even though I didn't use her famous recipe...

I learned to communicate with people in new ways. I learned that I take a lot for granted. Like the ability to form words and speak clearly with people. The ability to move around on my own. The ability to take care of myself. I learned that you can actually say a lot through sincerely looking someone in the eye, a genuine smile and a gentle touch of your hand on top of theirs. There is one person that has the most beautiful blue eyes and I'm going to miss seeing them every morning.

I'll definitely be intentional about stopping by and saying hi at the house even after I no longer work overnights there.

My schedule this summer (minus the challenge of overnights) was pretty much perfect for spending my off time in some very life giving ways.

Downtown Bemidji started to be hi-lighted in my mind and heart. Sam and I started spending some time at Toasties...no, not to drink. But to partner with God's movement there. The first night we went out, we sensed God's movement deeply! We had divine conversations with people, laid hands on people to pray for them, displayed God's love to them and continue to intercede on their behalf weeks after we met. There is a growing group of people in this city who are being drawn to downtown. Now that I won't be working Friday nights soon, I'll be heading down there a lot more on the weekend. I chill there a lot during the day, too.

My old landlord saw me today on 3rd St. When he saw me, he jokingly said, "I see you more down here than I did when you lived here!" I got to tell him why I come downtown frequently and how God is at work there.

God is totally stirring things up in this city, as He is all over the world.

This summer has been a time of God releasing identity, purpose and destiny into His sons and daughters. He has used this summer to further train up a growing army.

There are so many other great things about this summer. I moved into a house with Miriam. I'm declaring it "the healing house". (There will also be some sweet dance parties to come in this place.)

I'm experiencing personal transformation when it comes to healing and the power of the Holy Spirit within me and his children. There is so much more to come! This fall, I'll be starting the Bemidji Area School of Transformation. This is connected to Bethel Church in Redding, CA.

I had a date with my Groom this evening and I just spent time listening to what He's speaking over me right now. He wants to teach me so much right now. This school is going to play a large role in that! I'm about to be stretched and grown immensely! The heart of a learner...hmm. Yes. A friend asked me tonight how she can be praying for me. I have a lot of thoughts, but have been processing what it is on God's heart for me. I think that's one of the things right now. To have a heart of a learner who is sitting at the Great Teachers feet, prepared with an expectant and open heart to take in all He has for His student.

Okay, so it's time to wrap up this lengthy (yet incomplete) recollection of summer.

Summer of 2011, it's been real.

Fall of 2011, bring it on.

drenched.

2011-08-02T01:11:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the little front porch at my house while talking to my mom on the phone tonight. As we talked, I could sense a storm was rolling in.

Then it started.

The rain drops began to fall from the sky. It grew louder and louder until there was a downpour all around me.

I couldn't sit still any longer.

"Mom, I gotta go. I have to get in the rain."

I told my mom I loved her and that I'd talk to her soon.

Seconds after I hung up the phone, I was drenched.

It was perfect.

There is something about rain lately. I have never loved being in the rain so much as I have this summer.

Running in rain. Jumping and splashing in the puddles. Dancing in the rain. Laughing with friends in the rain. Praying in the rain. Laying in the grass in the rain. And probably my favorite: Standing still with outstretched arms towards an open heaven while rain falls on my face. Love it.

Completely, totally love it.

Tonight was definitely good Daddy time while hanging out in my front yard in the rain. The song, Let It Rain, filled the atmosphere around that little porch as I had one of those outstretched arms towards an open heaven while rain falls on my face kind of moments.

As I soaked in God's love, I started to pray for this city. That healing rains would wash over Bemidji and completely drench every wounded body and spirit.

It's already starting. There are cracks in the walls that surround this land. Oh, but there's so much more to come...

After the rain grew softer and softer, it started lightning. Big time. There were constant flashes in the sky accompanied by never ending, rolling thunder. Revelation Song, anyone?

I just sat there in God's presence, already drenched and soaked by the rain, but soaking in more of Him.

The same God that displays His glory in vivid, mighty lightning across the sky delights in moments like that, sitting together on a little front porch on a quiet street in Bemidji with His daughter.

Oh, that this entire city would encounter the delight God takes in us and be radically changed by His powerful love!

listen in moderation - part 3

2011-07-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

Here are my top 10 most recent songs I'm being careful to not repeat too much.

And by top 10, I mean more than 10.

1. Waterfall by United Pursuit

2. Rise by Hillsong Live

3. To Make You Feel My Love by Mick AcAuley & Winifred Horan

4. The Lord's Prayer by Urbana 03 Worship

5. Luke 7 by Urbana 03 Worship

6. Luke 10 by Urbana 03 Worship

7. On Fire by Switchfoot (It's the chorus part that gets me.)

8. Overcome by Desperation Band

9. More Than Ashes by Tim Reimherr/Merchant Band)

10. Hope's Anthem by Bethel Live

10+. One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture

10+. Stronger/This Is Our God by Hillsong Chapel

10+. Embrace by Jake Hamilton

10+. Break Every Chain by United Pursuit

what day is it?

2011-07-23T10:39:00.004-05:00

Since I have started working overnights, I sometimes have a difficult time answering that question. Or well, I can answer it. Just not correctly.

On Thursday I was convinced it was Wednesday.

It was, indeed, Thursday.

I wonder if my co-worker heard me try to correct her at least three times and just didn't say anything to actually correct me? Or did I greatly confuse her, too?

Another morning at work, I asked someone how their weekend was. I thought it was Monday. It was Thursday.

I sense a theme. On Thursday mornings, perhaps I enter an alternate time and space that confuses me. Maybe it's something like the Twilight Zone?

*Cue music*

So, what day is it? It's not Thursday morning, so I'm probably not in the Twilight Zone at the moment. I can confidently say it's Saturday. And I *should* be sleeping. Maybe? But maybe not? My schedule (I use that term very loosely right now) was thrown even more off yesterday.

I woke up on my own around 8pm excited because I had enough time to catch the end of Friday Night Worship. But then before I knew it, my alarm told me it was 10pm by vibrating and Jeremy Camp singing "In the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise, give me Jesus."

Morning? Sure. I guess 10pm was my morning...last night.

I have concluded one thing for sure since working overnights. Overnights are tricky. And I think maybe they cast you into the Twilight Zone. I'm not totally sure on that yet. It's merely speculation at this point. I am searching for evidence to make a concrete conclusion.

Even though I wasn't in the Twilight Zone last night, I did struggle heading into work. I was bummed to miss worship, as it's a SUPER life giving thing each week that launches me off to work alert and focused on Jesus and His ways and purposes. I definitely missed that last night. Instead, I entered into work half awake and a bit heavy hearted.

A few things were on my mind.

One - I heard from one of my dear, dear friends yesterday morning. (The real morning, might I add.) Her dad battled cancer for the last number of months. He passed away early Friday morning. My heart hurts and grieves with them. I know our Father God, the most Awesome One, is at work in this all. There is great hope in that. Yet, it's paired with the reality of sadness right now. Oh Great Comforter, comfort your children. (Jeremiah 8:18)

Two (this requires some background info) - I have been a part of a group from church going through something called Life Keys. It's basically a tool to discover more of who God created you to uniquely be. It dives into life gifts, spiritual gifts, personality types, values, and passions. What I love about this is that it's majorly about knowing our true identity. It's about knowing we are in Christ when we are believers. But there is even more detail to this identity and that He created us with unique gifts, passions, values, etc and gives spiritual gifts. When we really come to embrace this identity, watch out! For real - we live empowered, confident in Him and in who we are made to be, and there is power! Can someone say freedom?!

And it's not just about us...it's about God's purposes and heart to restore all that has been broken in this world. We are unleashed in his power and identity to partner with the Holy Spirit in this great redemptive work. It advances his kingdom! I long for more and more of that. I have been learning so much (understatement) this summer. It's exciting. It's freeing. I love it! As a recent Facebook status indicated, I'm lovin' Life. True story.

There truly is a deep seeded joy right now. To clarify, joy is different than happiness - at least the way we typically think of happiness. Happiness tends to be an emotional state that can be swayed by the smallest of outside forces. I could exude the emotion of happiness until I stub my toe on the edge of the table. I probably won't have a great feeling of happiness in that moment. But my joy doesn't need to be altered. Joy is from God. It's a fruit of the Spirit actively working in your life. Joy is far beyond happiness.

I don't have deep seeded happiness when I genuinely grieve with my friend and her family who is hurting. Or I struggle to head into a nightwatch at a job that, I have to be honest, I don't always get super excited to go to. Like last night.

I was deeply blessed to get a text from a good friend that reminded me of Truth near the beginning of my shift. "Praying that the Awesome One meets you and those around you tonight."

So that joy I was talking about, it can remain steadfast no matter the circumstance because the Awesome One wants to meet us. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Seriously, thank you.

I am all over the place here - back to why I was wrestling more heading into work last night. As I have been learning more about God and who I am in him, it has been more and more freeing. I am being affirmed that my current place in regards to job really isn't the best fit. I had a feeling that was the case before I even started. I also sensed God speaking into this before I found this job. That what I did after InterVarsity (job wise) was going to be very purposeful, about relationships, but not the best "fit" and that I'd grow like crazy this summer in discovering more what a good "fit" looks like.

Ummm, yep! Totally happening.

The more I discover though, it becomes more of a wrestling match with my current job and my heart's desires. I'm just not sure what to do with that right now. I sensed this season I recently entered into was a place of transition into something else sooner than later. Again, I'm not sure what to do with that right now. I know I can honor God with my current job situation and I seek to do so. Yet, truthfully, instead of heading into work at 11 last night, I would have liked to have been heading downtown to the Toasty Beaver. Not for what you would think. Haha. I'll come back to this another time. ;)

The cool thing is my schedule allows for some cool things outside of work time, which I also sensed God say would happen and those things would be a great fit. This couldn't be more true! I have some very cool stories to share still about this. "We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony." Stories are good. Stories that testify to God's power and glory are even better.

So, what's my point in all of this? I don't think I have one today. Ha! I'm totally all over the place. But it's kind of fun to just type whatever is on my heart.

I know I'm not going to "figure it all out" and "arrive" anywhere. Life is a journey of continual growing, learning and being transformed more into the ones He created us to be. So I will hang out with God in all these thoughts and questions and be confident of two things:

He is forever faithful.

And...it is Saturday.

beautiful collision.

2011-07-20T03:48:00.007-05:00

I watched the cursor blink in an empty composition box for a number of minutes. Waiting for me to release my thoughts on this blank canvas, it flashed in a steady and faithful rhythm as I drifted away.

It's not that I didn't have things I wanted to write about. Quite the opposite is true! An abundant amount of stories, reflections and Life are inside me and I fully intended to release some of them in writing tonight.

I'm confident those stories and reflections will be shared soon, but since over an hour passed since I started this, I'm clearly somewhere else.

I keep getting carried away by the worshipful music that's been playing in my ear and soul for the last hour.

You can listen here. It's the July 13th, 8am session led by Justin Rizzo. Every time I listen to this, I feel like my mind and soul are seriously somewhere else. I get lost where God's love for me and my love for Him meet.

It's a beautiful collision.

"Let me be found with a heart after You. And may Your eyes find this heart loyal to You. May You be all that's on my mind all of the time. Let my heart be torn in two until Your will is mine. Teach me to number my days. I don't wanna live with regret. Days I can never get back. Give me a heart of wisdom. Cuz I wanna be found faithful. I wanna be found steady. I wanna be found faithful til the end. I wanna live before Your eyes. I wanna stay before Your gaze. Keep me steady."

Keep me steady, Daddy.

roots.

2011-06-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

Rooted.

What does it mean to be rooted?

I've been thinking about being rooted a lot this week. Much is changing as I navigate through new territory to find new rhythms.

In some ways, I have been uprooted from former rhythms and familiar ground. I realize now how comfortable I was in previous grounds. I knew the surroundings quite well.

Now there is new ground around me and I'm not so comfortable.

It's humbling.

I'm sitting in unfamiliar soil. It looks different. It has a different texture. It smells different. I'm not sure what to do here.

As I realized I didn't know how to walk about this new territory, God brought me to a place we revisit together from time to time. We tend to come to this place in times of change and transition, whether big or small.

It's a place where the deep Truth of His faithfulness shines through shifting ground. It's the place where the Truth that He is where I need to be most deeply rooted captures my mind and heart.

As I have thought about being rooted, I am starting to see more and more that it's very easy to get rooted in what we do or our surroundings. It's easy to find our identity in what we do or with the environment, or ground, around us. I think there is some level goodness and normalcy to this.

But what happens when our deepest roots form our identity based on those things? What happens when our nourishment comes from what we do or who and what is around us?

We forget who we are in Christ. We forget the power that lies within us as Christ dwells in us!

As I feel uprooted from much of what has been familiar, it helps put in perspective the ways I try to find identity, security and comfort in what I do or in my surroundings.

It reminds me that I don't need to feel as "off" as I have felt this last week. Why? Because my identity isn't found in what I do or who or what is around me. It's in Jesus Christ.

That's right. BAM.

How does that change things? What happens when our deepest roots are in Christ? What about when our source of nourishment is coming from His Truth?

The understanding of our true identity breaks through! We can be confident through transition. We don't need to be shaken. We can be more aware with what God is doing in and around us so that we can go where He's going. We can continue to see God transform and change the atmosphere where we praise His name. We can continue to see lives encounter Him and draw into relationship with Him.

As I head off to work and into another nightwatch, I'm asking You, awesome Father, to extend my roots deeper and deeper into You, Your truth, grace and power!

unfamiliar roads.

2011-05-24T22:48:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day to just be.

Sit.

Rest.

Listen.

I woke up with a sore throat and feeling achy. I've been praying for restoration. Can you do the same?

I start training for my new job in the morning and I don't want to start this next season sick. :/

In case you missed the memo, another season of life has come to a close and a new one is about to begin! You can get filled in here. I'll share more about that another time. I plan to take more time to look back on these years and recount memories. There are many. For that, I am thankful. :)

I received an email from a dear friend and ministry partner today in response to sharing what's up in life lately. The first line was, "Wow! Suzanne! You always have something exciting in the works!"

It made me chuckle at first for some reason, but I guess there is some truth to that. In the last two years especially, it seems like there is always something unfolding. Not really of my doing, but because God is on the move.

This latest unfolding brings up a lot of thoughts and feelings. Anticipation. Excitement. Joy. Sadness. Release. And if I'm completely honest, there have been some overwhelming moments, too.

Last week at Pursuit, we had some extended time to just rest in God's presence. I wanted to journal, but didn't know where to begin. The week was full, the weeks leading up to it were also intense preparing and job hunting. I hadn't taken much time to let the reality of transition really sink in.

So that day at Pursuit, the anxiety was creeping up. This is what I wrote in my journal.

"Father, it's hard to take it all in...I feel a bit out of it. In a way, I feel like I'm just on this crazy ride and adventure and I don't know what's next. It reminds me of when I was a child, riding in the car with my parents. I didn't know where we were going all of the time. Nor did I have a clue how to get there. I didn't know all the roads to take. But I rode along. No fear. I trusted them. I felt safe. That's how I feel right now. Like I'm riding with you...I don't really know where we're going or how we're getting there. But I trust you. I release any fear of the unknown. You are in the drivers seat. I am not. And I don't have to worry about these unknown roads or destinations. Because your way is good. Purposeful. And it's where you want me."

So I travel with Him on new roads, new destinations and into new places that need His Light. No fear. Because our God is good and faithful. Even through the storms or constructions zones, it'll be okay.

The living Words of Psalm 27 have been changing my heart and mind these last few days.

The whole psalm is awesome. I'll end with sharing verse 1 and 8. May you know Him more as you interact with the Living God through His Word.

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, LORD, I will seek.

infused.

2011-04-27T02:04:00.003-05:00

Father
Jesus
Holy Spirit

infuse us

with words of life.

words of truth.

words of love.

words of You.

so that

we speak

and radiate

life.

truth.

love.

You.

flip flops in the snow.

2011-04-16T01:38:00.000-05:00

It wasn't my most wise decision to wear flip flops tonight.

Or maybe the mistake occurred when I was leaving my apartment earlier tonight and I saw flurries in the air and didn't go change into shoes.

Nor did I check the forecast to realize that a few hours later I would have the urge to sing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" and "Let it snow..." while walking to my car through a few inches of freshly fallen snow.

Then again, it's April 15th and it was around 70 degrees a few days ago. Should have I expected a winter wonderland when I walked outside after worship?

Then again, it is Minnesota. Anything goes.

So my toes got cold. Like, COLD. Now they feel like they are on fire. Probably not good. Whoops. ;)

Good news is that I have new tires on my car and pretty sure if I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting at home now.

Even better news is that, despite the fact I'd rather there not be a large amount of snow on the ground, God is on the move and He is good.

Tonight rocked.

And I think there is something about the snow that is speaking goodness over this city.

During worship while we were crying out to God to move and transform this city, the thought and picture of God's Truth blanketing Bemidji came to mind.

Then I looked outside and there it was.

Blanketing the ground was pure, freshly fallen snow.

Simply beautiful. (Yes, even in April. But maybe slightly more beautiful on Dec 24th? That's up for debate.)

Prayers are rising up and His glory is falling down.

Prayers are rising up to a powerful God who is jealous to have our heart's affections directed solely at Him.

God's glory is falling down onto this place. Torrential downpours not even a week ago. Pure, white snow on the ground tonight.

It's hard to deny torrential rain or the falling snow (especially when you are wearing flip flops). Just as we can't deny those things, we can't deny that You are moving here. You are stirring something...something powerfully transforming.

Father God, thank you that You do not relent. Do whatever it takes until the city of Bemidji is one with You.

listen in moderation while blowing bubbles - part 2

2011-04-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

While there is much I want to blog about, I'm not sure where to begin right now. I think I just need to hold off a bit. I will, however, say two things. One, March was one crazy ride! Two, God is good! Always.

I do sit here tonight in my closet office and really want to blog, so in order to feed my hunger to do so, I'll share something that doesn't require much thought. :)

It's that time again to make a list of songs that I have enjoyed lately and/or that God has used to draw me into His Truth and heart. I do this so that perhaps you will discover something new and fun and I hope that maybe you'll leave a little comment with some of the songs you have really enjoyed, too.

(Fyi - I'm combining a theme from two different blog entries from the past: listen in moderation and i blow bubbles when you are not near. Hence the title.)

Just to get this out of the way, there was a song sung at church this weekend during the offering. I thought it was an awesome song, except for one of the lines that I just couldn't make sense of. Then I heard it on the radio yesterday and I thought the same thing. I kind of blew past it and didn't think too hard about it. This is the line that didn't make sense: "When did love become a movie?"

...What?...?

The rest of the song is about the tension and beauty of surrendering to God and giving him our everything. How does that movie line fit?

Well, it doesn't.

Because those aren't the lyrics.

Yes, another case of "I blow bubbles when you are not near" or "There might be a little dust on the Bible."

When I googled that line, I discovered I was definitely mishearing.

The correct lyrics are: "When did love become unmoving?" Makes more sense in the context of the song. Yep.

On that note, that song will kick off my list. If you want to listen, just click on the song title.

1. You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets

2. Something Beautiful by NeedToBreathe

3. Climb (Live) by United Pursuit Band

4. Set A Fire by United Pursuit Band

5. Let It Rain by Jesus Culture

6. Mighty River by Jason Upton

7. Glory Come Down by Jason Upton

8. People Get Ready by Misty Edwards

9. It Is Well by Shane & Shane

10. Christ Is Risen by Matt Maher - another cool vid to this song

11. Lost In You by FM Static

12. Stuck Like Glue by Sugarland - this one is just flat out fun.

Your turn. Any cool songs you have been listening to lately? (In moderation, of course.)

numerous thoughts and ashes on my forehead.

2011-03-10T02:05:00.001-06:00

It's been a strange week.

But I'll start briefly with last week. I had a great time in Duluth and the cities. Every time I connect with the staff team, friends and ministry partners I am deeply encouraged and reminded how blessed I am to have relationships with such amazing people. It's awesome.

I was in Apple Valley Friday night and got to meet my adorable new Goddaughter, Faith, and have dinner with my cousins. I ran into some car trouble and was about ready to have a sleepover party at Dan and Bobbie's but my dad is amazing and helped me over the phone. All I had to do was wiggle the wires attached to my battery.

Really?

Yep, that was it. The car started right up and off I went.

Side note...if you can wiggle the wires, that's not a good thing so you should probably tighten them up so you don't run into the same problem I did.

I made it back late that night and slept hard. I woke up the next morning to my alarm going off, not sure where I was or what I had to get up for. In my daze I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep until my mom came in and asked if I was going with her and my sister to an auction in Mankato.

I really wanted to spend time with them, so I quickly got up and ready and out the door. I experienced my first true auction that day. The auctioneer did talk a mile a minute like the John Michael Montgomery song "Sold" suggests. I was entertained at first but then I started to not feel well.

Enters in the not-so-fun part of my time back home. For the next two days I felt super crummy but wasn't sure what was going on. I didn't go ice fishing with the kids like I had planned, nor did I greatly enjoy the birthday party on Sunday just because all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch.

That night I started throwing up and it lasted until the next evening. That pretty much wiped me out for another full day.

Dislike.

Yet I should count my blessings, and the fact that I was at home with my amazing mom during this was a huge help. Thank you!

Today I didn't spend the whole day in bed, got back in touch with reality and worked on fund development and our upcoming campus outreach. I started eating more normally and my energy returned. It feels good to be restored back to health. May I never take that for granted!

Tonight I went to Ash Wednesday Mass with my mom, Jackie and Emily. I don't think I have been back at Sacred Heart on Ash Wednesday since I was in high school.

It made me miss journeying through the Lenten season here. I miss the richness the catholic church brings to this time of the year.

I greatly appreciated Fr. Marty's words to everyone that this would truly be a different Lenten season than any other because of the ways we would encounter a living God who loves us and transforms us. He called people into a season of conversion if they had never truly known the love of Christ before and only had gone through the motions all their lives. He called us to repent and turn to Jesus. He called us to invite others into knowing God.

All the words were simple, yet were what I needed to hear.

I fear I have become complacent with an off-kilter spiritual life as of late. A kind of "going through the motions" period.

It's easy to justify actions, attitudes and thoughts when you're in this place. It's easy to want to give up. It's easy to listen to lies.

If you know what I'm talking about, too, please don't give up or give in. Keep pressing forward! Let's do it together as brothers and sisters. Back in Bemidji, we are gearing up for a big outreach on campus. I anticipate the battle will get stronger and more wearing as the week approaches. Friends, let's fight! We need to!

A dear friend sent me this song last week. We haven't talked for a long time but as she listened to the song she felt a nudge to send it to me. I have always appreciated her for responding to those nudges from the Holy Spirit.

The ashes are still on my forehead. When I wash them off with soap and water, Jesus, would I not forgot their meaning and purpose.

May this Lenten season be truly different.

maya.

2011-02-21T23:11:00.003-06:00

One missed call from Mom.

No message.

As intuition kicked in, I quickly checked the calendar. It was February 18th and my sister's due date was February 21st.

Could it be?!

I knew my mom wouldn't leave me a message about the arrival of a precious little girl. I knew she would wait to actually get a hold of me and tell me as close to in person as we could get without actually being face to face.

So I called back right away hoping to hear some exciting news.

I immediately heard the joy in her voice.

Welcomed to the world on Friday afternoon was precious, beautiful, and wonderfully made Maya Abigail.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
Psalm 139:14

Simply hearing the news caused my eyes to fill with tears of joy and gratitude. I am so happy for Julie and Matt and completely excited to get to meet my new niece. :)!!!! (That means I'm smiling...a lot!)

I have been thinking of them so much the last few days. It's been a bit of a stressful beginning for them all.

Maya has had some trouble breathing on her own and had a seizer on Saturday morning. She is currently at another hospital a couple hours away from where my sister and brother-in-law live. Julie was released from the hospital yesterday and was able to be with Matt and Maya at the other hospital last night. Today, they did a number of tests on little Maya to try and figure out what is going on.

She has down syndrome, so the breathing troubles are likely tied to that. It's possible that the seizer was a result of a long and stressful labor. Right now, it's more of a waiting game for anything certain until they find out the results of today's testing.

We are hoping that soon they will be able to be all together at home.

My mom and I are planning a trip out east sometime soon. It will be incredible to spend time together!

I received an email with a number of pictures tonight. Here are two of my favorites. Enjoy. :)

my beautiful sister and her precious daughter

kisses from daddy

what do you want me to believe?

2011-02-01T19:54:00.005-06:00

Where to start?!

I have been working on a blog entry looking back on the year 2010. I am making slow progress on that. It just hasn't taken top priority in how I spend my time lately. I will say for now that there are a lot of things I find myself thankful for as I reflect on the last year.

Shortly after the new year, I flew down to St. Louis. This is not at all the point of sharing about this trip, but I can't resist to mention that while flying I rediscovered the wonder that is Sky Mall.

For a reasonable price I could have purchased a toilet training set for my cat, Dobber, as I was 30,000 feet in the air. Yes, Dobber could have learned to use an actual toilet. Or so it said.

I was a bit skeptical.

I also could have purchased the ever popular Garden Yeti. (For the garden I do not have.) I will tell you that I decided against both that day.

Oh, how Sky Mall is filled with such interesting items! It makes me think of all the stuff in this world that we believe will make life easier, more fun or more fulfilling. I just don't think owning a cat who can use the toilet or possessing a Garden Yeti is going to improve my quality of life. Sorry Sky Mall. You didn't get me this time. But thanks for the laughs.

I put Sky Mall back in it's little pouch in front of me and dozed off in my seat. Before I knew it, we were descending into St. Louis. I would spend the next five days with 1,200 other InterVarsity staff for National Staff Conference '11.
Coming in, I was feeling pretty drained.

Last semester ended with many things to be thankful for, both on and off campus.

God has been at work on campus. Yet, as staff, we were left with a holy dissatisfaction. We realized vision had been lost. We worked through a lot as a team and sought after God's heart more intently. This was good. Very good. But it was also a challenging and, at times, overwhelming thing.

While the holidays and time around Waseca was completely wonderful, it was pretty full. I came back to Bemidji and I wasn't rested. Then it was off to Staff Conference.

Nationals occur every three years. Last time around, the 5 five days were very impactful for me. I anticipated deep encounters with God.

That definitely happened.

God instilled vision again through His Word, stories from staff around the country, worship and time together as a staff team.

One of the moments that is still transforming my mind and heart is when Kristina Crosetto asked this question:

"What if the question isn't, 'God, what do you want me to do?' but 'God, what do you want me to believe?'"

Do I truly believe God can renew Bemidji State? Do I truly believe that God can provide a $50,000 budget? Do I truly believe the harvest is ready? Do I truly believe God's calling?

My conclusion from these questions: doubt has plagued my mind. I need Truth to saturate my everything!

Will you pray for this Truth to be known in all aspects of my life and ministry?

Oh, how I need Him!

i remembered my name.

2010-10-23T13:54:00.004-05:00

Suzanne, stop in for your free rose.

"Mom, did you see that? Did I read it right?" I asked as we drove down State Street past Waseca Floral.

I was almost sure the sign outside the little floral shop had my name on it and was instructing me to stop in for my free rose.

Mmmmmm....k...?

Ya don't see a sign like that everyday so we turned the van around and went back to find out if they were being serious. I was a Suzanne. Did that mean I would receive a rose...just because?

We walked into the quiet little shop and over to the man behind the counter.

"Sooooo...we saw a sign outside. Umm...and...my name is Suzanne. [awkward pause] Does...that mean I get a rose?" I asked quizzically.

"It sure does."

His reply was so matter-of-fact-like, it was as if I shouldn't have been at all surprised by this.

My Mom and I looked at each other and then back at the man.

Still somewhat confused and taking in the randomness of the situation I asked, "Ya need to see my ID or somethin?"

He chuckled, "I'll take your word for it."

He turned around and carefully pulled out a beautiful red rose from the floral cooler behind him. He treated it with such delicacy as he wrapped it up and handed it to me.

"Enjoy your day," he told me as he handed me my rose.

I don't know why I had such a hard time taking this in. It just seemed so random. Unexpected. Undeserved.

Yet, I decided to empty myself of skepticism and be filled with gratitude instead.

Because really, what girl doesn't enjoy receiving a rose just because?

I smiled, said thank you and went on with my day, rose in hand.

On the ride home, there was an overwhelming sense of God showing me His crazy love through this seemingly random event.

"Do you like it? It's from me. I hope you enjoy it. I love you."

I remember thinking that it was a great day to be named Suzanne. Even more so, Suzanne Rose.

Fitting, huh?

God pursues. He shows His love in big and little ways. For me that day, it was through a simple red rose.

He has been revealing His pursuit of me in powerful ways once again. Last night, I was introduced to the song "More Than Ashes".

It's completely beautiful.

"By grace through faith in Christ I'm saved. I am not the same when He looks at me."

In faith, we are made right with God. We are a new creation!

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

Those lyrics have been playing inside me since last night.

Then this morning, something hit me that moved me to tears.

I remembered my name.

Sounds funny, I know.

But there is something powerful about our names. There is meaning and identity connected to them.

I wasn't just remembering what my name was as if I had forgotten that it's Suzanne. But I remembered something deeper.

Suzanne means lily. My middle name is Rose.

"I am the rose. I am the lily. I am Yours. I'm Your beauty."

I remembered my name.

I remembered who I am because of Christ.

I am Yours, Father. I love you.

cracked walls.

2010-10-02T18:51:00.006-05:00

there is a mighty river flowing.

it's right outside.

can you hear it?

listen closely.

the thunderous force of the raging water is too much for the walls of this room to withstand.

look to the side. do you see the cracks in the dividers that separate us from the flowing river?

small fractures. barely noticeable.

look up. can you see the punctured ceiling?

the brokenness is easy to overlook.

but you can't deny it.

look closely!

the water from the mighty river is starting to seep through these tiny fractures.

dripping on faces.

flowing down the walls.

puddles are forming in the corners of the room.

just one trickle of that water on your skin changes you on the inside.

you just touched hope.

or did hope just touch you?

awakening. healing. forgiving. loving. truly transforming.

just one drop of that water makes us crave more.

an anticipation is growing inside this room.

these walls will break. for the foundation is getting shaky and the weight and power of this river is far too mighty.

so we wait.

we wait for the flood.

autumn.

2010-09-11T13:47:00.002-05:00

autumn reminds me of...

hartley park, chester bowl and lake superior waves crashing along the shoreline.

simon and tigerdog adventures with my forever neighbor, tracy.

my favorite pair of ripped jeans and cozy hoodie. (can't see the hoodie. but i'm wearing it, no doubt.)

brokenness.

the beauty of brokenness and changing seasons.

transition.

family.

the smell of the farm during harvest.

combines.

the little machine thingy that measured the moisture of corn that sat on the kitchen counter in the old farm house. (that is closest i am coming to a technical term for that "machine thingy".)

the sound of the dryer by the corn bins.

how hard my parents work.

how much i love and appreciate my mom and dad.

the marching jays.

clarinet section bonding. go clarineties!

irondale, sioux falls and ankeny.

hayrides and bonfires.

one of the best hayride/bonfire nights ever held at barbknecht farms. :)

treasured birthday celebrations.

high school football games.

sacred heart fall festival.

fall retreat (for the past 9 years, baby!)

year # 4 of 9

dunn bros and amazing grace cafe.

apple spice scented candles.

simply put.

2010-09-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

i was on the verge of tears.

at first, i couldn't really explain why.

it was just one of those days. thankfully, the previous days were low key. i hadn't been feeling well, so i took it easy. i didn't end up going to duluth like originally planned. it was a wise decision.

when you're not feeling well physically, it can impact you in other ways. emotionally. spiritually. i think i was experiencing that. also, after a couple of weeks go by on campus and you start to settle in a bit...it hits.

there is hard work to come.

simply put, i was overwhelmed.

as i drove to campus, the tears were near. i parked my car and waited for a phone call from my supervisor. as i waited, i pulled out my bible and continued reading in the old testament. 2 chronicles 14-15 were up next.

asa was king of judah. his father, and other kings preceding him, did not honor the Lord, their God. but asa came along and was different.

"asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God." 14:1

asa sought the Lord and commanded his people to do the same. he destroyed idols of false worship. he pointed the people back to God.

in the midst of this, God used the goodness of community to speak truth to asa.

"the Spirit of God came on azariah son of oded. he went out to meet asa and said to him, 'listen to me, asa and all judah and benjamin. the Lord is with you when you are with him. if you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you. for a long time israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach and without the law. but in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of israel, and sought him, and he was found by them.'" 15:1-4

it goes on to say a couple verses later, "but as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." 15:7

press on! there is a purpose in our work when it's God directed. be strong. do not give up. take up your positions and stand firm!

i sat in my car and reread all of chapter 15 a few times, letting it soak in.

it was one of those moments when God's Word jumps off the page and hits you straight in the heart.

the day continued with a very encouraging conversation with my supervisor, praying for campus with others and watching God pursue lives of students this evening from pine and oak.

this work is WORTH IT because God is the great worker behind it all! he invites us into a very purposeful partnership.

friends, press on!

simply put, God is at work!

eat. pray. love. hmm...

2010-08-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

i saw eat. pray. love. today. going in, i knew the title and i knew it was based on a book, which is a memoir. that's about it.

(random fact: i actually like watching movies without knowing much about the story. i like to let it all unfold while watching.)

from an entertainment perspective this movie was alright. it's kinda long. you could wait until it's out on redbox and be just fine. that's my opinion.

i will say, though, i was surprised how much thought and emotion this movie evoked. it was far beyond an entertaining experience.

to start off, i know that it's not intended to have a christian perspective. i am not trying to make it into something it was never intended to be. but given the reality that i am a Christ follower who is being shaped by His grace and Truth, my thoughts in response to this movie stem from my identity in Him.

because of that, eat. pray. love actually broke my heart.

i think it speaks a message that we can somehow gain control of our lives by our own strength...that we can renew our mind by our own strength...that we have the power to forgive by our own strength...that we can worship whatever and it's fine...that we can run away from commitment...

i flat out disagree.

i try to gain control of my own life. in fact, i think in one way or another, we all do. but it leaves me empty and spinning out of control. God is in ultimately in control. not me. not you.

i can't renew my own mind. Christ renews my mind.

i can't forgive someone (or myself) without the reality of Christ first forgiving me/us.

we all worship something. who or what do we bow down to? who or what do we look to for direction and purpose? who or what are we devoted to? is it the God who created us? or is it a worthless idol?

there were points in the movie i was moved to tears as i prayed and thanked Jesus for His grace. for His life. for His power over death and sin. for the joy of worshiping Him alone.

my heart longs for that to be true for other's as well. the truth is, for many people, it's not. life is about ourselves, not the amazing God who is the giver of life.

that is what breaks my heart.

plan to be surprised

2010-08-15T20:39:00.002-05:00

"i miss this.

God, this is when i feel so me. this is what i crave in duluth. part of me doesn't want to leave. yet i know i need to. being here is stretching me.

...

we were joking around about living arrangements and they said i should just move back...switch places with brian and sandi. i can't even think that way...even jokingly. i'd love to be here again.

Lord, i have to trust in whatever you're doing here."

this was part of a journal entry from august 14, 2009.

i was in bemidji for a few days and spent one of them at diamond point for a chill day with God. i was reflecting on the time spent here around town and with friends. the words above were written that day.

being here stirred up so much in me those few days. i look back now and see that God was beginning to prepare the grounds for transitions to come. i just had NO idea they were coming!

a month and a half later, the possibility to move back to bemidji became a reality. a month after that i said yes. january hits, and i was here. fast forward to this summer and the scenario my friends and i semi-joked about was completely true. i had moved to bemidji. brian and sandi had moved to duluth.

last august when we were kinda joking about that scenario, i did NOT think it would really happen. but it did and in less than year later!

i watched dan in real life last night with tracy, brittany and solveig. one of my favorite lines is "plan to be surprised."

yep. there ya go. :)

hudson taylor had a point.

2010-07-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

i can't seem to get off of the computer until i post this.

the description under "who am i" on this blog caught my eye tonight.

an ordinary girl learning through the different seasons of life to love the Lord her God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

learning is right! it's certainly a process...a lifelong one at that.

the beginning of this learning process began 12 years ago when those words about loving God from matthew 22:34-40 (originally from deuteronomy 6:5) cut to my heart.

what is shared below has been tucked away in a folder on my computer since my senior year of college. it's a story that was used as part of a campus outreach that spring.

it's the readers digest version of how God pursued me and drew me into relationship with him.

...

If you would have known me when I was growing up, you would have seen a “good kid.” I did my best to excel and do well. I was shy and quiet and didn't really do much to get myself into trouble. I did well in school. I did well in music and sports. I seemed to be pleasing my parents and my teachers. I seemed to be pleasing myself. I felt like I had a pretty good reputation. I figured I had plenty going for me. Things were “good”…or so I thought.

But I was missing something. I was living to please everyone else. It left me empty. There came a point in high school when I realized that there was something greater that would give true purpose for my life. This something greater is Jesus Christ.

A close friend of mine invited me to check out God together by being a part of a Bible study the summer of 1998. To be honest, I have no idea why I said “yes.” A year earlier, I’m pretty sure I would have given an enthusiastic “no!” in response to an invitation like that.

Regardless, I went to the Bible study. The summer of 1998 was a summer of spiritual growth. I was shown that there was nothing I could do, regardless how “good” I was, to win God’s love. God already loved me. That is the exact reason God sent Jesus to this world to die on the cross 2,000 years ago in order to rise again for me, for you, for every single person.

One night I was reading Matthew chapter 22 in the Bible. Jesus was asked one day what was the greatest commandment. Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” I remember reading the passage over and over, hoping that the word “all” would go away. It didn’t. In fact, it seemed only to be magnified.

It was then I realized that in the midst of the good things I had done in my life, that I couldn’t be perfect and live up to what God wanted for me. There were countless things that I had done that did not show God that I loved him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind.

It came to the point where I knew I needed to make a choice. Would I receive the gift? That summer, I made the choice to receive the gift that Jesus offers.

I have chosen to believe that there is one God who created people to be close to Him. I believe that the choices we make separate us from God. Because of this, He sent Jesus Christ to this earth as a perfect being. I believe that Jesus died on a cross to die for all of our sin and rose again to make it possible for us to be close to God, just as God intends and desires. Every single person is faced with the decision to accept this. It is only through Jesus that we can be saved from an eternity separated from the God who made us. The Word of God, which is from God and is truth, points me to the Lord, Jesus Christ.

I have chosen to follow and believe.

Do you agree?

...

i still agree, but would add that Jesus isn't something we add into our lives to feel good about what eternity will look like for us. we are called to deny ourselves and in exchange, live a new life in Christ. we become a part of sharing the Gospel (Good News) with others. sharing Christ IS a part of this new life.

are you following Jesus? if not, what is stopping you?

if you are...are you sharing the Good News? (this next question challenges me every time...) if not, are you truly following him?

"the great commission isn't an option to be considered; it is a command to be obeyed." hudson taylor

interrupt my life.

2010-07-06T01:18:00.006-05:00

it had this acoustic, rhythmic intro that was fresh and catchy. it was the kind of beat that caused me to use the desk in front of me as some sort of hand drum. i was drawn in.

"wash me clean" by shawn mcdonald. check it out.

the first time around i was diggin' the music so much i didn't listen closely to the words. the second time around was different and it soon become a prayer. the whole song is great, but verse two really got me.

"consume my wandering thoughts and renew my mind.
remake and recreate...
and interrupt my life."

i have been learning a lot about myself lately. near the top of the list is a realization that i think far too much and listen not near enough.

thinking is obviously not always a bad thing. God gave us minds. let's use them for His glory. but he also gave us ears. so let's use them and listen. yes, to one another. but even more so...let's listen to Him. i have a tendancy to think and think and overthink and think about overthinking...topped off with more thinking.

sound exhausting?

it is.

with all this thinking going on, it's kind of distracting to hear very clearly.

"consume my wandering thoughts..."

i got stuck on that prayer for awhile.

then the kicker came...

"and interrupt my life."

this line really got my thinking. (ha! i very much realize the irony of that statement in light of what i just wrote. but come along with me for just a minute.)

am i/are we bold enough to sincerely pray a prayer like this, "God, interrupt my life"?

what might happen if we do?

what if we are called to surrender something we may have found just a little bit too much comfort in and know deep down it's really not the very best for us?

what if we are challenged to spend our time, our money, our resources...differently?

i feel the sting of these questions. *sigh* but i know deep down it's a good sting. there is some heart checking going on. as that process continues and i have begun to listen, i have heard some different "what ifs".

let's ask this again: what might happen if we do pray, "God interrupt my life"?

what if in the surrender we find healing from brokenness, addictions and pain?

what if we find deep joy in spending our time, money and resources differently?

what if your neighbor...your best friend...the person next to you in class...the stranger walking down the street...the little girl you see at the park each week...the guy in the check out line...your teammate...your dad...your mom...your brother or sister...your niece or nephew...finds joy and is transformed by Christ's Hope because we prayed this prayer?

what if...?

listen in moderation.

2010-06-23T01:06:00.004-05:00

i enjoy discovering new music.

i sometimes have a problem with wearing out a newly discovered song, though. ya know what i'm talking about? the convenience of itunes and even more so, youtube, can damper the enjoyment of music. we listen to whatever we want at the click of a mouse (youtube) or the click of a mouse plus 99 cents (itunes). which is fine and dandy in most cases. but i have a tendency to discover a song that i enjoy very much and listen to it over and over and over...and over and over...

if i do it enough, i get sick of it for awhile. it's a bummer, really. i guess i need to learn to listen in moderation.

here are some songs i have especially enjoyed the last couple of months. check 'em out. maybe you'll find something new ya like. just don't listen to them too many times in a row. ;)

1. jesus culture stuff

2. the words i would say by sidewalk prophets

3. our god by chris tomlin

4. all roads lead home by golden state (from henry poole is here soundtrack)

5. (iq) this time around by hellen stellar (from henry poole...)

6. henry poole is here by ron irizarry (from henry poole...duh)

7. you won't relent by jesus culture or misty edwards

8. take my hand by the kry

9. love by sugarland (live version)

10. ooh ahh by grits

11. love came down by brian johnson

12. chicago by sufjan stevens

13. michael buble in general - i like anything by him!

14. breakdown more by eric hutchinson (especially a live, acoustic version if ya can find it)

15. brand new day by joshua radin

16. 24 by switchfoot

17. fly by jason upton

18. 40 by u2

19. to be surprised by sondre lerche

20. vitamin string quartet (they do covers of SO many artists...but it's all stringed instruments...very cool. i really like their tributes to u2.)

how about you? any fun songs that you have been enjoying lately?

tis so sweet

2010-05-12T23:51:00.009-05:00

turns out that starting a blog was much like getting a new toy. you know how that goes, right? you get a new gadget or game and you play with it a lot right off the bat. then, over time, you find it on the shelf collecting dust or stuck away in the closet because it lost it's "newness". it reminds me that things are just things and they don't ever fully satisfy us. if they did, we wouldn't always be longing for the next best thing to fill it's place.

i can spend so much of my time trying to quench these thirsts for satisfaction. i've sought it out in relationships, doing the "good" and "right" thing, media, music, having "nice" things...the list goes on. but they always leave me wanting more.

what do you do to satisfy your longings?

i'm thankful there is something that is steadfast and does truly satisfy: knowing and following Jesus. deciding to follow Jesus back in high school has reoriented my life. i couldn't be more thankful.

yet i am struck at the ways i can still slip into an old mindset that other things are going to satisfy me. i've been thirsty lately. adjusting to life in bemidji. ending the schoolyear. learning boundaries. getting ready for pursuit. deepening friendships and transitions in relationships. transitions in family and close friend's lives. it intensifies a spiritual thirst inside. i have been humbled to see that Jesus has been right in front of me, extending his hand. and lately, i've been looking past it, trying to quench my thirst without Him. trying to make sense of transition and life without fully trusting in Him. last night i started back into Proverbs. God's Word is like that glass of ice water after running around on a hot summer's day. it quenches our soul. chapter 3:5-6 say, "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

today two different versions of "tis so sweet" played on pandora today. both caused me to stop what i was doing and just listen and be. my mind was brought back to proverbs...trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...such peace can be known living life like this. thank you, Father!

toilet handle vs light switch

2010-02-24T21:50:00.005-06:00

i had a moment this morning that made me laugh, shake my head and say "i need to get more sleep".

my innate night owl-ness has been shining through in all it's glory lately. (by saying that i mean i am staying up later than i should and not getting enough rest.)

this morning i arose to get ready for the day. i was clearly not totally with it right away and wonder if my eyes were even fully open as i walked to the bathroom.

my eyes opened eventually. but it took awhile for my brain to turn on. this is how i know that was the case.

i thought somehow that flipping the light switch would flush the toilet.

for anyone who is wondering it that works, it doesn't.

words of life

2010-02-19T14:48:00.000-06:00

these pages are full of words.
words of life.
of truth.
of joy!

tear stained, ripped pages.
tattered and worn.
but that is simply the paper on which the words rest.

the Word itself stands firm.
it is my light. my security.
make my soul long for these words, oh Lord.
may my eyes gaze upon their beauty.
taking it in.
consuming it.
allowing it to saturate my whole being.

i am changed.
i am made new.
i find freedom...
from Your words of life.

smiling - part two.

2010-01-26T23:59:00.001-06:00

a lot of people ask me how the transition has been going since i moved to bemidji. i typically respond by saying, "the last couple of months have been intense with a lot happening. moving, Christmas, urbana, starting on campus, building new community...but through it all everything has gone quite smoothly." it really has!

i am thankful.

there have been moments of feeling overwhelmed and scatterbrained, no doubt. but there has been a lot that has caused me to be thankful and smile in my first three weeks here.

-working on a team! this has been a tremendous blessing.

-the day things were all in place at my apartment. i lit some candles, sat in my favorite chair and quietly enjoyed this new space God has provided me.

-having great helpers with the move even in the midst of -30 degree weather. fishers, brittany, annie, aj, adrienne...i was very blessed by them! (side note: moving on one of the coldest days of the year makes you move faster. i guess that's a perk??)

-getting to know students here. seeing God work in their lives makes me smile. a lot.

-meeting and getting to know my neighbor, solveig. we're mutually thankful that we are "normal" ;)

-part of yesterday i had kind of a crummy attitude and was frustrated. part of the frustration was stemming from somethings that i thought were prepared but actually weren't. so brittany and i needed to read matthew 14:22-33 to get something ready for thursday night. ironically, it's something i totally needed to read. Jesus is walking on the water and calls peter out onto the water as well. peter steps out and starts towards Jesus. he's doing alright until he notices the wind and is distracted from Jesus. he becomes afraid and he starts to sink. i look back now and it makes me smile that God used that passage to show me i was a lot like peter yesterday. distracted from Jesus, focusing too much on the wind and sinking. but there was Jesus immediately reaching out his hand to catch me (vs 31). oh how little my faith can be. God is good and in control. i smile not because i can have weak faith in those moments. but i smile because God pursues me in that, pulls me up and speaks truth. that's worth smiling about.

-hanging out with fawn and sarah. who would have thought we'd live in the same city again. i like that.

-house/dog sitting and having some time off out in the peaceful country, taking luka for walks each day in freshly fallen snow and playing piano late into the night.

-a call from my dear friend stacy last night. such an encouragement! i hung up the phone smiling.

-getting ready for the relationships track at break away...the first time i did this three years ago i remember i was really struggling thinking about relationships. and so desired to be in one. at first i was actually crabby about the fact i was helping lead that track that year. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. lol God has done a lot of work in my life since that point. this time around, i'm finding a joy in preparing for and leading this track. i'm looking forward to the weekend!

-oh! i almost forgot this. but i get a call from tracy this weekend. her and amanda were hanging out. (more smiling.) i thought they said they were ice fishing by bayfront. they were actually ice skating by bayfront. so later in the conversation when i asked if they caught any fish...it led to a pretty good laugh. "what did you think we were doing?!"

-i know there is much more that has made me smile in these recent weeks...just knowing there are more than what's coming to mind right now...another reason to smile, i suppose.

:)

moving into a new neighborhood

2010-01-03T13:27:00.000-06:00

welcome 2010!
as i type i sit a the cabin coffeehouse in bemidji just having enjoyed a turkey sandwhich and cup of chicken toritilla soup (one of my faves here!). AND it's only a minute walk tops from my apartment and conviently has some computers for customer use. perfect. :)
it's very frigid here today. i'm not exatly sure but i wouldn't be surprised if it dipped down to -30 or more last night. bertha (my car) didn't like this very much and has refused to start today. thankfully, britteny is coming to give me a hand. and then the move begins! i thought it could be cold when i moved but i didn't expect it to be quite this cold! or at least i hoped it wouldn't. but i'm determined to get my stuff into the apartment today. :) i'm thankful for friends in duluth that got me to this point and friends here who are giving me hand! you guys are awesome.
the last few weeks have been full. moving things into storge, leaving duluth:(, coming to bemidji:), Christmas, time in waseca, urbana, and moving things again. each of these "events" could have their own blog entry devoted to them.
i'm excited to move into this neighborhood (one theme from urbana) here and see how God is already dwelling and working here. this new year is truly the beginning of many new things!
in the midst of everything right now i have moments of feeling pretty overwhelmed, truthfully. i really don't want to miss out on processing through ubana...such an amazing week but A LOT to pray about. and sit with God in. there is a lot i want to unpack (litterally and figuratively) right now. i look forward to finding my place in this new neighborhood and making time to just be.
friends, be blessed as this new year begins!

emmanuel.

2009-12-16T14:09:00.001-06:00

and i call to you

from my darkest places

and i call to you

from my broken places

and i call out to you

with my simple prayers

and i call out to you

with my heart filled prayers

emmanuel

God we thirst

emmanuel

God we thirst

reveal to us

emmanuel

oh hear God we thirst

emmaneul

reveal yourself to us

emmanuel

oh hear God we thirst

you never leave us

you never leave us nor forsake us

and i'm aware of your omnipresence

my theology isn't always my existence

i wanna be with you where you are

emmanuel

the place where you are

give me eyes to see

emmanuel

you're God with us
you never leave us
you're right here right now
in the place where i am
you never leave
in the space next to me
that's where you are
i can't hide from your presence Lord
where can i hide from your presence Lord?
you're where i am
oh you never leave
you never leave

emmanuel by Paul Anleitner

http://firstaidforyoursoul.com/listen/

craving.

2009-12-15T03:35:00.005-06:00

i can't help to think back over the day. today was pretty sweet - i spent like five hours with two incredible women of God. i could have spent another five easily. i felt like a sponge soaking up Truth as we talked and prayed. it was refreshing to my soul, truly. sometimes we get even just a little taste of such goodness from God that leaves us craving more. more of Him. His voice. Truth. healing. freedom. joy. this time definitely left me craving.

in the midst of easily feeling overwhelmed by a lot right now i am thankful for a God who speaks to us.

i heard such a cool song on the radio while driving in my car tonight. i remember the word emmanuel was in it - but it wasn't the well known oh come oh come emmanuel. it was a song i had never heard before. but there was something about that song that fit so well with what God was doing today. i hope i hear it again soon and figure out the name and artist who sings it!

tonight, i had a fantabulous time with some css students planning an outreach for next semester and going to bentleyville.

i am going to miss them. true story.

eighteen years and counting.

2009-12-13T00:46:00.002-06:00

i remember a popular email forward from a few years ago called "a reason, a season, or a lifetime." basically, it talked about the different people that are in our lives (and that we are in for others) and their different purposes. all are special friendship and relationships, but have different purposes and time frames. i'm beyond thankful for different people in my life along the way who have made influential impacts in my life. i could share many stories of people who have been in my life for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. i can get overwhelmed (in a good way) with the amazing people i have gotten to know so far in life. tonight, i'm specifically reminded and thankful for one of my lifetime friendships.

we've known each other from the time she had an afro haircut & wore stirrup pants and i had neon shoelace & wore my bibs only half buttoned. our paths crossed in third grade in mrs. seehafer's class. that was 18 years ago.
since then we've had many adventures...too many to count, really. and i love it! as any good friendships do, we've had some ups and downs. but through it all have remained great friends. i thank God for our friendship and the many stories from along the way. oh how we could write a book of our stories! most include tummy hurting laughter - something that i treasure most about our friendship. today we had some quality amy and suzanne time. it was refreshing in the midst of the craziness of life. mcdonalds holiday pies, goofing around in the stores while she shopped, watching the holiday & elf and enjoying some white zinfandel made it a pretty grand day if ya ask me.

God has given some truly amazing friends along the way...amy, you're most certainly one of them. :)

give presence.

2009-12-07T12:55:00.005-06:00

speaking of Christmas presents from last time...

i was introduced to something called the advent conspiracy at church a couple of weeks ago. i have definitely been challenged by it as God works to transform my attitude and perspective.

if you haven't heard of it or checked out the videos/website - take a look and enter the story.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

the promo vid and the one called "enter the story" are good vids to catch the vision for what it's all about.

worship fully.
spend less.
give more.
love all.

what do ya think?

waiting.

2009-12-01T18:23:00.004-06:00

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas.

wait, time out. allow me to share that statement with the full truth.

when i was a little girl, i loved Christmas...presents.

i loved the presents a lot. but i did not like waiting a lot...or even a little.

until after one particular Christmas.

we always put up the tree shortly after Thanksgiving. shortly after that my mom would start to place wrapped gifts under the tree. now, that means there is a span of about 3 weeks having the nicely wrapped gifts out in plane sight before Christmas Eve (which was when the gifts were to be opened).

well for a 9 year old impatient little girl, that was a long time. i grew up on a farm and there were many afternoons that my parents would both be outside working and doing chores. thus meaning that the pretty tree, many gifts and 9 year old girl were unattended for a short time.

one of these days i decided to take action. i couldn't wait - or so i told myself. i scoped out the situation, making sure my actions would not be seen or caught and i approached the tree bearing the many gifts. i looked at each present to find out which tags had the letters that spelled "to: suzanne" on them. i then, very carefully, picked one up from it's place. and then, very meticulously, pulled up the tape and unwrapped the gift just enough to be able to see what was inside. after getting excited about what was inside i would make sure the tape was securely adhered back to the wrapping paper and then place the gift back under the tree - as close to the original position as possible.

stealthy, right?

i repeated this process for each gift that was to be mine.
i was pretty proud of my own little covert operation.
i shake my head now and laugh. but seriously, what i little stinker (as my grandpa would say) i was.

the days and weeks passed and Christmas Eve grew closer. usually those days were filled with anticipation and excitement. but that year the days were like any other. i was still excited for Christmas Eve...sort of. but it was different. i already knew what i was going to be in each of those wrapped presents and thinking of opening them together as a family became kind of mundane, sadly.
Christmas Eve came and the time to pass out the gifts came. and i opened mine and tried to act surprised each time. while everyone else was enjoying this time, i truthfully was not. as i sat there that night i no longer was all that proud of my stealthy actions from a few weeks prior.
i felt like i ruined the fun of Christmas Eve. i never did that again. instead, i waited.

i look back now and realize that i ruined the joy of waiting. i don't usually associate joy with waiting, but i think there is something so good about waiting. even when it's hard and things don't make sense.
often i think, "i wish i knew where i'd be in 5 years. where will i be living? what will i be doing? will i be marred? will i have a family?" often i wish i could just take a peak into the future and see. but then i remember that Christmas Eve night when knowing what was wrapped up before it was time to upwrap the gifts was really quite disappointing.

deep down, i guess i don't want to know. although i don't always think this way, i know that i do desire to wait and see what God has in store for the future...the joy filled days and tear filled days...even where exactly i'll be living in bemidji and when exactly i'll be moving...in the transitions coming...in life beyond this next season...and even the dessert experiences yet to come.

there have been some definitely surprised along the way so far and i'm sure there are surprises to come...and i want them to remain just that - surprises.

in the words of the character dan from dan in real life - "plan to be surprised."

meow.

2009-11-21T23:23:00.006-06:00

elfyourself is back! i noticed this last week when i went to the office max website to see if i could email them something to print for me. it was one of those days that there was much to do in a time frame not nearly long enough to accomplish it all. so it would not have been wise for me to click on the link for elfyourself. i gathered together all the self control i could find that morning to not go there.

crisis averted.

i did not elf myself or elf anyone else that day. i actually still have yet to do that but i'm sure i will soon. if you have never been elfed before, this is your year - i can feel it. check out www.elfyourself.com and treat yourself to a good laugh.

anyway - i had a really great week at regional staff conference. it was refreshing. and i needed that. these past couple of months have been full...full of a lot of things. lots of thoughts, questions, decisions, campus work, investment, processing transition, frustrations, tears, growth, joys and more...

near the end of september i started asking some bigger questions about where i'm at right now. i had a strong sense that God was stirring things up inside, but didn't really understand what that all meant. but i did know a few things - that i've struggled working in the twin ports without a staff team to partner with. i've struggled to be a "planter" and "builder" on campus. and even beyond the campus realm i've struggled to find my place fully here in duluth. i really started to wonder if this all was the best fit for me and through that have struggled to know my place in ministry as i've been discovering more of my giftings, passions, strengths and growth areas.

i have to say that this time of seeking has been one of drawing nearer to the Lord and for that i'm so thankful. i can and do go through dry spells in my faith life. foolish choices, lack of discipline and my own sinful heart has caused it's fair share distance in my relationship with God. but these past months have been amazing. not easy, i should say. but absolutely amazing. the goodness and grace of Jesus overwhelms me as i've been growing in delighting in the Lord. (psalm 37)

after seeking much counsel and direction from God, my supervisor and many other mentors & friends in my life, i sensed that transition was near. again, i didn't know exactly what that meant right away. and truthfully, i still don't what it all means. but at least some next steps have been uncovered and i have decided to make a transition. i will be continuing to serve through the ministry of intervarsity and investing in college students but i will be changing location. beginning next semester i will be working on staff at my alma mater, bemidji state university. i am incredibly excited to work closely with a staff team there. and having spent four years there as a student, i truly have a heart for that campus and city. i'm am anticipating the ways God will work through this as i wait for that new season to begin.

while i really am excited about this change, this decision was not easy in many ways. i wrestled a lot. there is much here in duluth that i have come to enjoy and have a heart for - friendships kick off this list, the campuses and students here, rock hill family, amazing sunrises over lake superior, hiking in the many parks are just a few of them.

yet when bemidji was one of the possibilities to transfer to, something inside was drawn to this idea from the get go. and that only grew as the weeks passed until i made the official decision at the end of october. i knew that if i didn't go for this opportunity, i'd totally regret it.

so the recent weeks have been full of many conversations as i've shared this news with friends & family, students, partners and donors. each of these conversations have really affirmed this move. there is a bittersweet element to this all. i'm going to miss duluth and the people here very much. i also anticipate the building of new community and reconnecting with dear friends from my college years in bemidji. as i begin saying my goodbyes here, there are hellos awaiting.

time here in duluth has been so so so purposeful and i believe i was supposed to be here. God had definite purposes for the time here, i'm couldn't believe that more. He has been so faithful.

i've been praying for God to raise up leaders here on campus - for fresh starts in certain areas - for a deepening of the goodness already started in other areas - for God to seriously SWEEP ACROSS THE CAMPUSES AND CITY. oh Father, bring life into dead places here. soften hard hearts. we need You. hear these cries!!!!

*sigh

i know God is working here and that He will continue to be. i have a hope in what's to come here.

i've been waiting to write about this until after certain conversations were had with people and students from both the twin ports and bemidji knew. i was introduced last week at bemidji and welcomed with open arms. i can't wait to actually be there! soon...

well there it is. meow. the cat's out of the bag. :)

smiling.

2009-11-18T15:17:00.003-06:00

some things that are making me smile this week.
10. playing pool with brittany and acting like we're really good even though we totally aren't
9. celebrating a wedding on friday
8. culvers
7. laughter and line dancing in the kitchen with jackie
6. knowing you're being prayed for and that God hears those prayers
5. a streak of warmer, sunny days each complete with amazing sunsets over the lake
4. stories of transformation
3. achy breaky heart
2. this morning's time in john 15
1. Truth

i blow bubbles when you are not near

2009-11-14T11:15:00.004-06:00

i've been on a bit of a country music kick lately. it started with sugarland late one friday night.

"all i wanna do oo oo oo oooo whoo oo oo oo oo ooooo whoo oo oo oo oo ooo whoo ooooooo."

then yesterday i was driving to bemidji and for a good span of the trip there are limited radio stations. however, the country stations seem to be the most solid of them all going through those small towns.

it got me thinking more and i'm pretty sure i'm a small town girl at heart.
i enjoy being able to see the stars at night. i appreciate the freedom of enjoying wide open spaces. i like going into town and running into people i know at the grocery store check out line. heck, i like gravel roads. i sound like a dork. but it's true.

as i was driving yesterday a song came on the made me laugh out loud. the song itself isn't funny but it reminded me of songs of which i (or my friends) have misunderstood the lyrics.

i thought for the longest time that the one in this song i heard yesterday was "there might be a little dust on the Bible". in actuality, the correct words are, "there might be a little dust on the bottle".

i remember the day i cracked up in my car when a friend corrected me and informed me that it wasn't a song about God's Word, it was a song about wine. whoops.

i always thought the next line was good, "but don't let it fool ya about what's inside" made sense with the Bible. lol if i had actually listened to ALL of the other lyrics talking about the cellar and cleo williams making wine perhaps i would have caught on. (i'm shaking my head right now.)

listening to the whole song is helpful. context, suzanne. context.

when i was 5, i thought "walkin' in memphis" was "walkin' in medford" which is a nearby small town to where i grew up and thought that was pretty cool that medford was mentioned in a hit song.

then i rememberd my friend in high school. he thought the lines of "i try" by macy gray were "i try to say goodbye and i choke/i try to walk away and i stumble/though i try to hide it, it's clear/my world crumbles when you are not near" was "i try to say goodbye and i choke/i try to walk away and i stumble/though i try to hide it, it's clear/i blow bubbles when you are not near"

i kinda like the bubble version.

the song behind it all.

2009-11-10T22:41:00.001-06:00

i first heard this song around the time i graduated from college. i've gone through phases of listening to it a lot. near the end of this summer i "discovered" it for probably the 10th time. it's good.

"every season" by nichole nordeman
every evening sky, an invitation
to trace the patterned stars
and early in july, a celebration
for freedom that is ours
and i notice You in children's games
in those who watch them from the shade
every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
and even when the trees have just surrendered
to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in late september
and sending us inside
and still i notice You when change begins
and i am braced for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn
and everything in time and under heaven
finally falls asleep
wrapped in blankets white
all creation shivers underneath
and still i notice You when branches crack
and in my breath on frosted glass
even now in death You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
and everything that's new has bravely surfaced
teaching us to breathe
and what was frozen through
is newly purposed
turning all things green
and so it is with You and how you make me new
with every season's change
and so it will be as you are re-creating me
summer
autumn
winter
spring

the beginning.

2009-11-08T23:33:00.002-06:00

the beginning.
well, other than being the beginning of a blog, i guess this isn't really the beginning. it's really somewhere in between a beginning and an end of a bigger story.

(random sidenote - as i'm typing and thinking and every once & awhile talking outloud, i'm having flashbacks to doogie howser. anyone else feel like that when the blog at a computer desk? i just need the theme song playing in the background...)
(another random sidenote - will probably make numerous random sidenotes. that's just kind of how i roll.)
but i like stories. and i'm hoping that this blog will be a place to share some stories and thoughts with whoever would like to hear them.
...

i've been thinking a lot about seasons lately. i sort of mean that in regards to the seasons we experience throughout a year: summer, autumn, winter and spring. being that i live in minnesota, i can say that i actually do get to experience each of those seasons. some we enjoy more than others. (i have my biases, too. have me choose between summer and winter and i'll definitely choose summer pretty much any day.) each have very unique characteristics about them. (colors, temperatures, and even smells.) sometimes they seem last for months (like winter!) or a week (like summers in duluth).
i appreciate the creation of the outdoors and these different seasons. but more so (much much much more so), i appreciate and love the Creator behind it all. God is so good. always.

He is good in every season we experience throughout the year. and He is good in every season of life we experience and walk through. i've been thinking about these kinds of seasons most and God's working in them throughout my life.
some seasons have totally ended. others i thought had ended but perhaps i was wrong. some seasons are in transition as i type. others i am waiting and hoping to experience in the future. and there are probably many seasons i cannot foresee and have no clue what they entail. and that's okay. if i knew all that was coming (whether joys and laughs or pain and tears) i'd probably freak out. plus, then the surprise would be ruined. which reminds me of a particular Christmas on which i learned a good lesson about patience and waiting. that story will come later.
for now, time to hang out with God and then get some sleep.
i'll end with part of a psalm i spent a lot of time in today.
psalm 37:3-7

"Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him"